12/31/19

I thought all-nighters were something
you pulled in college when studying for
an important exam or finishing a term
paper. Nah, it's for exhausted oldsters
who never thought a thing about having
a scoop of coffee ice cream after supper.
God in heaven, I am beyond exhausted.

I have to smile . . . I've always thought
true freedom comes when you retire; you
mostly get to do what you want to . . .
but no, you have to curtail your water
intake early afternoons so you don't have
to get up so often during the night. Better
only have coffee before 9:00 a.m. or you
can forget sleeping and heaven forbid you
should ever get too far away from a
bathroom!

I've heard that funny axiom, "Aging ain't
for sissies!" I thought that was supposed
to just be hilarious, but no! It's actually
true. Guess I'd better get my ass in gear
and get in the shower . . . sooooo not
going to happen; all the water is frozen in
the kitchen, bathroom sink and shower.
Just not sure if that's about aging or if it's
Mother Nature reminding me it's only six
degrees and I live in a 120 year old cabin!
Help!!!

ever so tired
all my deep dark crannies hurt
to hell with aging

12/30/19

Hovering at the corners of my mind are
thoughts of new everything approaching.
It's hopeful, encouraging. It's frightening,
scary. It's wondrous, amazing. Many of us
thought we'd never se 2020; incredible.
And yet, it's here . . . only two days away.
Shall I throw a party? Write New Year's
resolutions? Go on a diet? Reconnect with
old friends? Check out my soul? What?!

Perhaps, it's easier for me as I'm now on
the other end of the stick. Or, maybe not!
Maybe, it's us oldsters who need to think
more profoundly about what's what at the
end of the day. I did grow up making about
20 New Year's resolutions, which I paid
attention to for about three days. Now I'd
rather write three and pay attention to them
for about 20 months. What's the old axiom?
"Keep it simple!" There has to be a reason
and I'm going to do just that. I think my
three are going to be . . .

     1) Pay attention.
     2) Keep it simple.
     3) Let it be.

I've spent my whole life lost in the clouds. I
get in the car and put my mind out to pasture.
I need to pay attention to business. I've also
been fond of complicating things. Simple is
a four letter word in my existence. Not even
certain I can learn, but I'm going to try. And,
I've never let anything BE. I obsess. I think,
"If only I'd done this or that." I try to fix it.
God in heaven, I wear myself out. Let it be is
going to be a real challenge for me.

So, I've got two days to obsess about my three,
but I think I'm going to try. One can only try,
right?!

choosing how to die
better to learn how to live
to live not exist

12/29/19

In my dream, I see this image of concentric
circles . . . each of us in the center of our own.
I find myself loving the overlapping of circles
as we crowd ever closer together despite our
diverse lifestyles.

Upon awaking, I try to comprehend what my
dream is trying to tell me. The literal meaning
is easily understood, but me thinks there has
to be more. We're each so different in our ages,
tastes, livelihoods, and geographic placements.
But, those outer circles touch, merge, conjoin.
Perhaps, I needed to be reminded that I'm not
alone, not really! All I have to do is extend a
hand to help or to receive, as needed.

Maybe it all boils down to paying attention.
We're so used to living our own mundane lives,
taking care of business, that we put our minds
out to pasture the moment we're otherwise
engaged.

I want to rein in my mind! let my eyes truly see!!
Be there for me; be there for you!!! Let's do this . . .

loneliness awaits
needing me so wanting you
lets get together

12/28/19

Life all boils down to choices, doesn't
it?! The road taken, the road not taken.
I chose to leave home at 14 and go to a
boarding school in Arizona. Why not spend
that extra year in Mexico since I finished
high school in three years?! And then, I
somehow stayed for 20 years. I chose to
return to US and teach in Commerce City
for 20 plus years. Make no mistake, I
loved every minute of it. Teacher I am and
forever shall be! But, I had intended to
study nursing. C's in all things science and
A's in all things literature, saw to that one.
Why retire at 62 when I could have taught
several more years? Mom needed care and
moved in . . . who would have thought it?!
And, I paid for all my sins while I was at it!
No point in wondering what would have
happened had I done things differently, Still,
as I get a tad older, I find I tend to think
about my choices a bit more . . . Not that
common sense plays much of a role there;
wayyyyy tooooo logical!!! I pray I find the
odd bit of amusement in my future choices;
one does need a good laugh now and again!

no time for planning
playing as fast as i can
no thinking either

12/27/19

I just had an aha moment . . . I was
inputting important dates on my 2020
calendar . . . uh, did I mention that I'm
anal as well?! . . . when I had this wild
aha moment; more of a 'duh' moment
really! Seems to me that I live my life
based on special dates, celebrations,
and holidays . . . and I like as many as
possible! Truly, it's a wonder I can even
afford myself! But, just think about it.
A special date means celebration, gifts,
foods, get togethers! I would add that
being retired is a good way to drop out,
stay out of touch and become quite
solitary. Holidays help with that. I much
enjoy my solitary time as well, still I
don't think it's too healthy to live there!
Human connection is important! Soooo,
January already has about 15 special days;
when are you dropping by? I mean . . .
dropping by with a red in hand . . . 
I'll cook!

be it fair or foul
love me some celebrations
come sit by the fire

12/26/19 - Morning of the day after . . .

Are there truly twenty four hours
in a day? Sixty minutes in an hour?
Seven days in a week? If so, then
why does time march so slowly? Or,
ever so fast? I don't understand how
something as immutable as time can
feel at odds with its very nature?!

I swear, I want to learn to enjoy all
the waking moments in my life and
sleep well the rest. Watch the sun set,
the moon rise, the snow fall, the days
upon days, upon days . . . Funny how
thinking along these lines changes only
after a few days of New Year's resolve.

Still, is there any way at all that I can
learn to enjoy those sixty minutes of
every hour? I'm at the end of my days'
I want to enjoy each and every one of
them. How, oh how, can I make that
happen?! Me thinks resolve isn't enough;
not the whole answer, at least. Help me!

tick tock tick tock tick
time marches leaves me behind
i want to go too

12/25/19 - x-mas day

A cold, beautiful morning in which my guy
informs me I'll be having breakfast in bed!
He does indeed make the best pancakes
I've ever tasted . . . and in bed, no less!

Our gifts today are esoteric rather than
actually palpable. We are gifting each other
acts of kindness, that quiet touch, a verbal
reminder of fun stories in our years together.

One of the things I've loved about getting
older has been understanding and enjoying
special dates and times in a different way.
I could have used some of this wisdom years
ago. I quite like looking at life through my
own ever evolving kaleidoscope!

I pray you have your own wondrous day,
as well as days to come! Remember . . .
Think abstract over concrete!!!

longing for today
loving me some special days
each and every day

12/24/19 - x-mas eve

I imagine most people are awaking to
thoughts of Christmas Eve and getting a
move on; the to do lists must be lengthy.
But for me, today marks the two year
anniversary of ending my life as I knew
it and moving into my 120 year old cabin
I had purchased some years before. What
an experience this has been. I've been
know to say it was akin to trying to fit
a five gallon bucket into an eighth of a
teaspoon . . . and along comes the
Away Team (Give Away/Put Away/Throw
Away). I swear, it's taken me these two
years to just get properly moved in, to
say nothing of the 'missings' (hearth and
home/neighbors/treasures/gatherings).
Still, this new life, as I am wont to call it,
has brought me a modicum of peace, new
friends and neighbors and a Santa's sack
of experiences I never would have had
otherwise. This Christmas Eve, I celebrate
poor decisions that have actually turned
out to be good ones . . . happy holidays
to yo and happy anniversary to me!

so long farewell bye
learning to say adios
trying me some new

12/23/19

What is it about the end of the year?
We've been naughty all year and all
of a sudden we want to turn ourselves
into Goody Two-Shoes! Drink more
water; drink less booze. Exercise more
and stop eating so much. Enough with
the dirty words already; can't you just
say darn like your grandma used to?!
And, stop with the spending; we're on
the verge of bankruptcy.

I could go on . . . and indeed, I want to
become a better person in 2020. Still,
it's important to be one's self, to enjoy
life, celebrate those easily forgotten
details. Once again, it comes down to
balance . . . and I know I've said many
a time that I'm the most unbalanced
Libra I know.

So, here's to thinking things through;
choose just a very few New Year's
Resolutions. Let's grow and enjoy life!

want to be better
dancing as fast as i can
longing to be me

12/22/19

Last night's Yule celebration was not only
wondrous, but delightful and delicious as
well . . . and I have several additional lbs
to prove it! Our friends surprised us with
the most glorious solstice EVER! Bright
blessings upon them!

The Sun, and its caprices, always amaze
me! I honor the Moon but need the Sun.

Pray, send light!
Pray, let the days be longer!
Pray, let me survive . . .

fearing me some dark
boogie man is getting me
pray let there be light

12/21/19 - Yule p.m.

Ever so lovely that the entire day is Yule,
or if you prefer, Winter Solstice. Some
friends rang up and said they were coming
by so me thinks 'tis turning into a bit of a
do! Isn't it interesting that today is the
shortest day of the year and that an egg
will stand straight up on its end at high
noon?! I find Mother Nature fascinating!
And, we lucked out with some lovely
weather; I was in need of it and am well
pleased. So, here we sit by the fire, much
enjoying the fact that it's the Solstice and
thinking of family and friends. Sending you
love and greetings . . .

phenomenal day
enjoy the winter solstice
a gift of the gods

12/21/19 - Yule a.m.

Ever so lucky . . . spending the evening
with one of the greatest loves of my life.
It's not every day that your first cousin
is one of your besties ever! I'm trying
to think how I might thank the universe
for this amazing gift. I've learned over
the years that it's a rare thing to be able
to honor the exact person to whom you
are thankful. Part of me loves that and
thus the world spins 'round and 'round.
Me thinks sharing the gift of love 'round
robin is one of the greatest of all time.

gift of the ages
loving her sharing with you
moved beyond the pale

12/20/19

A time of year for pressies . . . and me
thinks we all love that. I can remember
when I used to purchase and gather gifts
throughout the entire year, thus making
the holidays easier on the financial end.
My family held Christmas Eve last night;
it was ever so much fun watching as well
as participating. The gifts were thoughtful,
but I most enjoyed observing the sweet
love I saw at every turn. This time of year
tends to bring out the best in people; so
love watching goodness in action. My wish
this time around is to make it all last . . .
the love, the kindness, the joy, for as long
as we absolutely can. I so love us as we
are this time of year.

joy at every turn
what i want under the tree
pray it never end

12/19/19

What an adventure . . . slept in the
travel trailer last night and we ran
out of propane. It was 20 degrees,
but 'twas a good excuse for a 'let's
keep warm cuddle'! At o'dark thirty,
my man was out in the darkest of
dark nights changing the tanks. I
was frozen just thinking about it.
He's my champ; make no mistake.
Having the travel trailer has been
ever so much fun. Our trips have
been fairly local but summertime
will bring out the urge to go further.
Can hardly wait . . . and with every
trip, we learn new tricks. Here's to
happy travels!

tell tales out of school
am dancing to my own dreams
have fun will travel

12/18/19

I find it both interesting and amusing
to look at the life I've lived from the
other end of the aging scale. Obviously,
I was never going to grow old, be older!
I was always going to be young . . . Still,
I see it happens in the best of families!
My mom used to say, "Me and my teen-
age husband . . . and you're not far
behind." I know what she meant about
the former, but not sure about the latter.
I am indeed older; i act older, some of
my ideas have changed and I see that
I am treated differently by some. There
is deference and there is condescension.
The first honors he who defers, the second
is vomitus any way you look at it. Sooooo,
now I need to have a look-see at how I am
feeling about my older self, how I am
treating this woman I never thought I would
be. Do I respect her? Tolerate her? Defend
her? Do I sin on the side of condescension?
Me thinks the answer has to do with creating
in myself a woman who deserves honor. I'm
working on that, ever growing . . .

who i want to be
growing up or just growing
striving to become

12/17/19

To Yule or to x-mas? When in doubt, do both!
There is something quite wondrous about this
time of year . . . that is of course, if you can
get past all the snow and survive!

Yule is my tradition of choice. I value honoring
its origins, going way back to olden times. Yule
traditionally is about brotherhood, sisterhood,
meet 'n greets, sharing time and honoring
Mother Nature and her kin.

Christmas is a familial holiday that has grown
by leaps and bounds in today's Christian culture.
It honors the Christ, yet people of all faiths, creeds
and even non-believers enjoy the holiday. And,
don't you just get a kick out of all the different
holiday greetings on the cards . . . commerce at
its best.

I have come to learn, that even as we grow and
change, holidays evolve as well. I may prefer Yule,
but I think it's wondrous that thousands, if not
millions, enjoy the holidays, each in their own belief
system . . . and for a moment, bring out the best of
themselves to share with all. Happiest of all holidays!

your way or my way
loving me some holidays
share with me and mine

12/16/19

Saying goodbye is so hard; and
obviously becomes patently more
prevalent as we get older. Yesterday,
I said goodbye to a phenomenal
group of women with whom I had
been associated for more than 20
years. Some of the gals had been
there lo these many years, and
others, a shorter period of time.
Still, the closeness created through
gathering together, studying and
celebrating, makes the leaving harder.
I can't help but wonder if turning 70
actually does make one more cognizant
of the gifts life presents to us, as well
as the losses we must endure. Frankly,
I'm tempted to think that life is getting
more interesting by the day!

fear losing my way
one of the gifts of aging
pray i befriend self

12/15/19

Last evening we were lost in the beauty
of Mama Nature's Winter Wonderland. My
man drove ever so carefully and thus we
were able to enjoy the beauty at no cost
to us. Shortly after our safe arrival, we
heard a loud bang. Initially, we thought it
was a snowplow going over the crossroads.
Then the sirens began their sorrowful lament.
There was a firetruck, an ambulance and six
or seven police cars. They flanked my entire
property and were there well over an hour.
I pray those involved survived and that each
of us remember just how treacherous Lady
Winter can be. Scary!

beauty at a price
pray let us take care always
winter wonderland

12/14/19

At o'dark thirty, I find myself reminded
that every coin has two sides and it
must be the same for celebrations, as
well. Yesterday morning, my friend
and guest brought a gracious sobriety
to the table, as it were. We visited
thoughtfully about things we deemed
important and I felt a sense of resolution
about things discussed. The second visit
was by a neighborhood couple with
whom we've become friends. We were
taking Friday the 13th down a peg or
two. It was vastly fun involving delish
cuisine and a delightful beer tasting.
Still, I had never given much thought
to the fact that a gathering, of any size,
has its own flavor, a personality of sorts.
I found myself feeling that both sides
of my personality had been addressed.
Rather reminded me that Linda and Dale,
I mean Linda-Dale, can enjoy the twain
on the same day!

how hight is the peak
how deep is the bright blue sea
tis depth of the heart

12/13/19

Sooooo love me some good coffee!
I always kept a coffee maker in my
classroom and thought nothing of
having a pot or two a day. I did
promise myself that once I retired
I'd lose the habit . . . and so I did.
Now retired, I allow myself a couple
of cups once a month. Quite a come
down! The bad side of things is that
on the night of said indulgence, there
is no sleep for me. And, I accept that.
No one's going to die from one sleepless
night. My issue is that for some reason
I now lose two or three nights, mostly
three. God, I so don't want to give up
my vice! It's appropriate, I suppose,
to pay for one's sins; but, the payment
is supposed to be congruent with the
wrongdoing!!! I give up . . . and, I'm
sleepy, but can't sleep. Grrrrrrrrrr!!!
And no, don't care for me some decaf!

am a naughty gal
may have to get naughtier
good doesn't suit me

12/12/19

Funnily enough, the holidays never
interfere with those crazy daily living
snafus! Here we are in the midst of
one of the most amazing full moons
ever and a bit of bad luck is shining
down. Number one son's bathroom
has exploded; we've run out of wood
for the fireplace; desperately need
to hit the market and it's supposed
to start snowing noon-ish. I need to
remember, it is what it is. Nobody's
going to die if the men play the with
plumbing, if we have to stay upstairs
during the snowstorm and eat a few
strange meals until the snow abates.
I've noticed in planning ahead, we
plan for perfection, no obstacles in
site. But in real life, it's more about
dealing with the obstacles and getting
through our daily lists anyway. Maybe
this is what makes us  R E A L !!!
Here's to soldiering on, no matter what!

lets smile and move on
soldiers of the universe
brave faces surround

12/11/19

How fun are all these holiday
cards! We've gotten e-cards,
x-mas letters, cards through
the mail and just a few hand
delivered. As to the variety
of types . . . there have been
Christmas cards, Holiday
Greetings,  Pagan, Hanukkah,
dog lovers, cat lovers, family
photos. Add in my fun with
postcards (a leftover passion
from my childhood) and the
list is endless. I find all this
part of the holidays warm and
heartening. Our December
celebrations, however we spell
them, are all good fun. Best
of all is when we can exchange
visits and memories, savor
delectable foods and hoist a
glass to good health . . .
perhaps better than any gift.
I pray you are all enjoying
yourselves as much as I am!

celebrating all
a break in winter routine
wishing us all well

xyz

12/10/19

That moment . . . that one moment!
Maybe that's what it's all about . . .
Taking the time to look back over our
lives, we all can see those moments,
albeit in hindsight! Whether it's the
ever nearing new year or even the
fast approaching holidays, I find my-
self pondering those moments . . .
That moment when I first laid eyes on
my son, or when I finally conceived
the baby girl I had so prayed for. That
moment when I learned after surgery
that I was now cancer free, or when my
father handed me the keys to the new
home he built for me. That moment
when I contracted for my first teaching
assignment, or that moment when I
was awarded Teacher of the Year . . .
Moments . . . it's all about moments.
I pray we have them, keep them in
our hearts and treasure them ever
and always . . .

just remembering
caressing those memories
those blessed moments

12/09/19

Getting a new tat brings pain to mind.
There are ever so many kinds. I deeply
recall the pain of childbirth and the joy
following. I will never forget the pain of
losing my father . . . never to heal, never
to be forgotten, simply a part of me now.
I am reminded of the pain and relief I felt
when my brother was finally granted the
peace of death. No one should suffer so
greatly! I know the pain I feel when I
realize the pain I have inadvertently
caused others. In looking at pain recalled
and remembered, I see they are mostly
emotional pain. So, where does that leave
me with tat pain that I brought on myself?!
I do know I'm not a masochist, so why the
need for the tats? For me, it's a kind of
returning to self. I lost me during the
caring for mom years. I lost me during
the unexpected ensuing grief and I must
find me again, ere I die! I've been so lost
of late . . . and I find that the tats are a
bit of a pathway back to me. I pray I find
me somewhere at the end of this pain.

they say pain is real
then why do we seek it so
my own confirms this

12/08/19

Did I say something along the lines
of embarrassing myself by breaking
down and whimpering during my last
tat?! Not even close this time . . .
I was openly weeping and CURSING
by the third cut. What's a couple of
hours of demonstrative upset among
friends, anyway?! The best part is,
I was honoring my audience by only
swearing in Spanish . . . and then says
my delightful Irish-Mexican tattoo artist,
"So reminds me of my childhood . . .
growing up with Spanish and all!"
So, time to lay down and die . . .
I was sick before the tat; I was sick
during the tat and I imagine I'll still
be sick after the tat. I am indeed nigh
onto dead . . . lo these many weeks.

being sick on end
give me sleep or give me death
raise me from the dead

12/07/19

So excited about today. My new
tat is to be on my left shoulder,
opposite the lynx on my right. The
most wondrous thing about this lynx,
we used to watch her on my property.
Last winter when the police rested
a dead deer on my land due to excessive
snow, this beautiful lynx lived under
my gypsy wagon and would come out
to feed on the carcass several times a
day. I know the mental image is a tad
harsh, amazing to watch, nonetheless.

The tat I'm getting this morning is to
be a longhaired black cat with tufts of
hair in her ears and under the chin. I
fell in love with the breed when our gal
got one for her kids. I say kids, I think
the cat loves her best of all. Wish me
luck; me thinks I nearly died when I
got the lynx, actually broke down and
whimpered near the end. Not very
manly at all. Thank the gods . . .
I'm a woman!

trying to get it
whats with the tats already
for beauty or pain

12/06/19

Have you all noticed the differences
in our holiday celebrations? I love it.
What this really means is that we all
have our ways of enjoying the holidays,
albeit familial or self-chosen. Some say
Christmas, others say Yule. Some say
toys for children, others say donate
time to the food banks. Some say nativity,
others say parades. Some say a special
time in church and others say party 'til
you drop. Bottom line, we're all enjoying
the holidays and celebrating the best we
can. I truly believe what is shared is the
JOY of this season. It brings out the whole
brotherly love thing. Let's make it last.

how to celebrate
so love me some holidays
lets party and pray

12/05/19

December is so fun; Christmas
and Yule wherever your eyes
happen to fall. Some folk started
decorating before Thanksgiving
and I do get that it's hard to wait.
It's a time of year of decor, giving,
singing, sharing, and . . . faux peace.
I wonder sometimes if that isn't why
we love the season so much; we
'feel' the peace and 'believe' that the
world is in a better place. Perhaps
that's as it should be . . . a preview
of what we could make out of our
world; and maybe, we can't change
the world, but we can certainly do so
ourselves. And in changing ourselves,
others will be inspired to do the same.
Oh, those wondrous concentric circles
ever expanding, extending, embracing
and suddenly our world is a better place.

feliz navidad
happy yule merry x-mas
celebrate happy

12/04/19

My man blest me with a bounty of
landscape photography somewhere
around o'dark thirty this morning.
The beauty was beyond awesome;
I was truly moved. I see us all . . .
busy, busy, busy . . . dancing as
fast as we can. Perhaps you are no
as guilty as I am; I fear I forget to
look up, look around and be amazed.
I'm too caught up in existing over
living, in electronics over humanity.
I smile sadly when I realize that I
saw this phenomenal photography
on a media device and am sharing
my thoughts with you on yet another.
Will we ever return to Mother Earth
or are we just too busy with our tiny,
little existence?! My heart breaks . . .

teach me how to be
existence is not enough
i am missing life

12/03/19

Tomorrow is another day . . .
Perhaps one of greatest
truisms of all time. Yesterday,
I was drowning in SADS, but
today is sunnier and warmer;
I strongly suspect this will be
a good day. I so love this about
Mother Earth. Sun up, sun down
and we start all over again.
What a phenomenal concept . . .
a new beginning. Let's try this
again. Let's do this one more
time. How I thank all the
powers at be for the whole
new opportunities ever 24
hours. Pure magic!!!

a new tomorrow
a real chance to do over
new wind in my sails

12/02/19

I awakened in sorrow at the magickal
hour of 3:00 a.m. I struggle to face SADS,
(Seasonal Affective Disorder Syndrome),
and most of the time I am triumphant. Still,
there are moments when I am so overcome
with the cold darkness surrounding all and
I just want to die. It's not that I truly wish
to die; it isn't real and I keep reminding
myself of that. I pray for a tad of sunlight
today to stave off the horrific sorrow that
accompanies this malady. God in heaven,
I so need the light! Pray send the sun . . .

darkness overwhelms
encompassing everything
striving to survive

12/01/19

Good morning to you, December!!!

Here's to new beginnings, the 1st,
and anxious endings, the 30th, 2019.
I imagine that you, like me, might be
thinking about a myriad of things . . .
cards to be sent, gifts to buy, tree to
put up, meals to plan, children and
families to invite, etc. Still, I imagine
there are many of us who are asking
the harder questions . . .

     How can I  better honor my path
     in the upcoming year?
     What do I need to do in order to
     to completely heal?
     What do I need to let go and how
     can I find the courage to do so?

And, I pray that none of you
are writing down dozens of those pesky
self-requirements for next year. Think
about them, perhaps. But, best to
ponder them and choose three. A better
chance of actually accomplishing them.

I rather like something like this . . .

     1) Give myself the space to grow.
     2) Forgive myself more often.
     3) Enjoy family and friends daily!

Enjoy December; 2020 is yet to come . . .

enjoy the present
learn from the past dont live there
look forward always