08/31/2020

anticipation 

1a) a prior action that takes into account or

forestalls a later action

1b) the action of looking forward, pleasurable

expectation 

2a) visualization of a future event or state

2b) an object or form that anticipates a later type

 - - -

I sooooo need another word! Anticipation is

clearly NOT working! She left for surgery this

morning at 5:30. I worry as any mother would,

but I have that supreme ability to take any 

given word to the SUPERLATIVE level!!!

I want her finished! I long for her to be OUT!!

I need for her to be HEALED!!!

I am sooooo DONE!!! . . . and it's not even 

about me! Get her the hell out of that hospital

already! Okay, back up, start over, be civil

and maybe even a tad reasonable!

Hell, I'm even praying here! You sooooo don't

even want to know the words I'm using . . . 

have you ever heard of blackmailing God?! 

Didn't think so!!!

It's alright. God forgives everything! (I hope!)

dear god in heaven

hallowed thy many names

protect my daughter 

08/30/2020

Anticipation says it all! Sometimes, I

actually believe it to be the best part

There's really nothing wrong with the

whole 'beginning, middle, end' thing.

It's just that there's something basically

satisfying about anticipation, beginnings

and prep time.

That 'making a list and checking it

twice' . . . yes I know, rather resonates

with x-mas. Then there's the cleaning

thing and I'll never get why I can't have

someone to give me a hand with that!

Add in preparing the meal, chilling 

the wine, lighting the candles; maybe

even lighting some incense! Scents

fill the air . . . and then there's that

whole anticipation thing again.

Finally, you hear a car drive up, doors

slam and then you're running to meet

them,  hugs are exchanged . . . a dream 

come true.

And here I am now . . . in the whole

anticipation part . . . for on the morrow

I get to see my daughter! Life should

ever be so wondrous!

i can hardly wait

longing for the sight of you

anticipation

08/29/2020

Yesterday, I received a gift of peaches

from a dear friend of mine. I raised

one to my face and was immediately

transported to that sweet childhood  

of innocence. Even made me think of 

those pictures of me as a two year old, 

bathed in peaches from head to toe.

Isn't it interesting how something, happy

or sad, triggers memory. Seems I spent

the day kaleidoscoping through those

love notes of yesteryear. Seeing my first

seven foot bull snake, tasting my first

root beer float . . . loved the ice cream; 

hated the root beer! Climbing to the 

base of Mount Garfield on my father's

back, learning to ride a tandem bike

so my brother could experience the

ride. 

I think I want to go through my book 

of memories and tear out the sorrowful

and leave the wondrous. It's been said

you can choose just which ones you

think about . . . alas, hasn't been my

experience.

exploring my past

yesteryears kaleidoscope

bleeding into now

08/28/2020

I don't have a Master Plan. I'm pretty

much just winging it over here. I use

intuition, oils, chocolates, music and

my bullshit detector to get through

the day and hope for the best.

Enlightened Consciousness 

My heart is heavy . . . it shouldn't be . . .

only yesterday I was beyond thrilled to

have spent a gift of time with my son.

But today is another day . . . I worry

about things . . . my daughter's surgery,

an accidental offense, seeing a bestie

from my childhood after lo these many

years.

Perhaps the sorrowful me, is who I 

truly am, with a bit of joy gifted me

from time to time.

I'm pondering, thinking, obsessing . . .

70 years old and still trying to figure

things out . . . woe is me . . .

help me pray help me

where oh where to find comfort

running out of time

08/27/2020

Sometimes when sorrow overtakes you 

until you can barely cope, the gods give 

you a gift. Yesterday, my son came by 

for a couple of hours and literally saved 

the day.

We sat under the pine by the fountain

and shared a bottle of wine. The rain 

poured down, but the tree broke the 

raindrops enough that we were able 

to stay yet another while.

You would have smiled, had you seen 

us huddled under sarapes, 'round the 

fire, and telling tales out of school.

What a gift! Caught myself thinking

about days of yesteryear, comforting

my little boy after a bad day in school,

some mishap, a fall perhaps. Amazing 

how Father Time has turned to tables . . .

so loving my son

was only ten yesterday

but then so was i

08/26/2020

'I sat with my anger long enough, until she

told me her real name was grief. ~Unknown

This quote sooooo resonates with me. I'm

working on it, but I never, ever seem to

conquer. Why is my life so grief ridden? On

some level, I get it. My special, blind brother

lived a somewhat horrific life until he was 23.

My best friend committed suicide on the

morning of his graduation from med school

My best, best friend's daughter died in a

horrific car accident when she was barely 

sixteen. One of my besties ever, died of  

an unexpected debilitating disease when

I was in high school. Yet another friend of

mine died in his fifties, in his fifties!!! Oh

my fucking god! Who dies in his fifties?!

So hard to understand; you're not supposed 

to die until you're old, infirm, disabled!

You are NOT supposed to die at all, until

I give my permission!!!

Sooooo sorry . . . working on it!

have issues with death

hating the finalities

pray i live so long

08/25/2020

Sometimes I ponder what I have lost

whilst forgetting what I have gained . . .

I'm tired, need my sleep and am angered that

something has awakened me at o' dark 30!

And then I am blest with the moon set and

the sunrise and I wonder why I spent any

energy at all on the mad!

I find myself annoyed that there's nothing

instantly edible to eat out of the fridge. 

I don't feel like cooking, but have to if I

want to eat! And the result is a fab dish

I can hardly get enough of. So why did I

expend the energy on being annoyed?!

It really pisses me off when I have to go

somewhere I don't wish to go. And then,

when I get through being pissy, I find I

enjoy myself immensely. When, oh when

am I going to get the message?!

I can't help but wonder if I'm too old to

learn or if I can kick myself out of the

old paradigms and learn my lessons?!

    - Take life as it comes

    - Enjoy the moment

    - Stop trying to control everything

Come on, make an effort already! Learn!

so longing to grow

some action is required

make the most of life

08/24/2020

Dorothy and I are chanting . . .

    "I want to go home;

    I want to go home;

    I want to go home."

I've said it before and I'll say it again,

Love to go out and about, but so love

going home again!

In thinking about home, I've come to

understand that it's not just those four

walls within which you live . . . Home

is that special, long-awaited phone call.

It's spending quality time with your son,

visiting a few days with your daughter.

Home is that special meal when you're

on the outs. It's a walk in the sun when 

there hasn't been any for days. A late

night under the full moon when your

heart is hurting. And never to forget

reviewing your very own love story.

So yes, I want to go home . . . I'll have

to think just what that means right now!

so want to go home

tis said homes where the heart is

my heart belongs home

08/23/2020

Been pondering comfort foods. I think

it has to do with my stepson spoiling

me with my fave mac 'n cheese! I do

find it interesting that there are times

when nothing else will do. If I look at

it rationally, I realize that those times

have to do with upsets . . . feeling a

tad down, a bit antsy, irritated, low.

Nothing like mac 'n cheese to put

things right. Not quite sure what the

deal is; it just is.

I remember times as a young mother,

one of my kids would need something

special. Tomato soup 'n grilled cheese

sandwiches seemed to do the trick. I

even recall my dad liked to fix warm

milk on toast with a poached egg on

top. Now, there's a dish from yester-

year.

Obviously, it's not just that special

meal or treat that fits the bill. It must

have something to do with a memory

associated with the dish that makes

it so comforting. I'm trying to think

what that must be. Milk and toast

came out when I was sick. The mac

'n cheese I associate with the odd

stressful day. Tomato soup 'n grilled

cheese sandwiches happen to be free

of any adult spices or fringes. Kid-

friendly all the way. That must be it.

And here's me hoping for Miah's mac

'n cheese . . . his speciality and ever

so comforting. The kid's got it down;

make no mistake!

feeling sad today

pray make me something special

so comforts my heart

08/22/2020

I find myself pondering wounded souls

this morning . . . and I am not referring

to just either animals or humans, but

all of us.

I look at those Viet Nam vets who were

never able to recover and are homeless

still today. I see those impoverished by

either divorce or job loss. I see those

with loss of self due to drugs and/or

alcohol.

A deer with the loss of one horn; driven

to an environment it knows nothing about.

Foxes and coyotes with no food . . . and

truly, I have no answers; no solutions.

I absolutely understand that this is not

a proper list. Still, a beginning of sorts

perhaps?! And where do we go from here?

Honor the 'no hunting' time of year? Set

out bales of hay, salt licks, troughs of

water? I do NOT have the answers; don't

even know what's legal . . . but my heart

hurts nonetheless and I find myself utterly

ignorant as to a plan.

I so pray I can be part of the solution

rather than part of the problem.

feel so ignorant

mother please inspire me

may i be of help

08/21/2020

Today, was the gift of the elk . . .

Oh my God, I've never seen anything like it 

before. An entire herd, one bull elk, a young 

bull in the making and a one-horn with the

broken horn hanging down and re-attached.

The majority of the herd, mamas and their

babes. Most had a single offspring, but one

had twins and another triplets, if you can

believe that! Never heard of such a thing.

They were in our front yard, side yard,

back yard, road and surrounding my library.

We sat with them and watched them nigh

onto an hour. I never once felt in danger,

just in love with the moment, the gift, as

it were.

Alas, the cars going by were less patient.

They had places to go, places to be . . .

their loss; make no mistake. What tickled

me was that the elk absolutely refused to

be intimidated. They walked at their pace

and simply were not to be bothered by

anything as ridiculous as cars going by.

From there, a few went up the road, (I bet

they were smirking) and some sacked out

in my yard. All peaceful, chewing their 

cud. I feel like God came down and blest

my day with his very own hand.

may the elk live long

and be bountiful on earth

in my neighborhood

08/20/2020

At o'dark thirty this morning, we had some

special visitors! Just after 4:00, a raccoon

came into the yard and ran the gauntlet of

the stone walk. Just a few minutes later, a

bear comes into view, stands up on his hind

legs and then lopes off like a bat out of hell.

I fear I talk incessantly about our wildlife,

but how could I not?! It is so amazing to

live not far out of town and be privy to so

many visitors. Rather makes me feel loved

by the gods, if not downright special.

I keep a list; what teacher wouldn't?! We've

had 16 different categories of animals visit 

us in the eight years I've owned the cabin. 

Within the categories, there are several

different types . . . which adds to the fun.

We've been fortunate enough to have two

different kinds of wild cats to three kinds

of squirrels, a dozen varieties of birds,

two types of deer and elk by the herd. 

Wow!

Me thinks I'm ever so lucky to find myself 

in my own haven, if not heaven!

so love me my bears

only eclipsed by wild cats

won critter lotto

08/19/2020

The child in me wants to hold my breath

until the goblins, demons and dragons all 

go away. 

I'm certainly no Pollyanna! Yet, I'm not

sure how I'm going to continue coping

with all the bad news sallying forth from

the newscasters and even friends stopping

by and sharing their fears and reactions.

I'm not really going to talk about the news;

there's no point. But, as Pliny the Elder

stated in the days of yesteryear, "Bury your

head in the sand." might be an acceptable

alternative at this point. Add in King James

the First saying, "No news is good news."

and we already have a couple of means for

coping.

Hell, maybe I could come up with one . . .

'Turn off the electricity! Don't answer the

door! Stay away from people! Forget the

cell phone!'

Nah . . . I just need to learn to stomach all 

this and pray I don't become an alcoholic!

in troublesome times

only the strong shall survive

pray i learn to cope