Per se, I've never dealt much with self-esteem issues.
It's not necessarily an accomplishment on my part,
probably more to do with the era I grew up in. My
generation was more into survival, managing to stay
alive and marching for things we deemed truth. Sense
of self was wayyyyyyy down on the list. However, as
this past year was quite an up-hill grind for me, I find
the need to remind myself of who I am. It's a hard
call; make no mistake. Am I who I was? Or am I who
I seem to be now? Does the future me count at all?
Am I that teacher of 43 years? Mother of two of the
most amazing creatures in kingdom come? Lover?
Wife? Companion? See, as one grows older, the lines
become blurrier! Me thinks I need a good dose of NOW!
Right this minute, I'm 69 and alive. At this moment,
I live in a tiny 120 year old cabin we rehab a tad each
day. Right now, I study Pantheism several hours a day.
Get a couple of drinks down me and I might even admit
to getting a kick out of social media. But, none of this
seems particularly laudable; self-pride is important!
I do much enjoy the classes I teach. I much value that
I'm still a vast reader. I do honor the way I love . . .
wholeheartedly, unreservedly in every way. Don't even
get me started on how I love my children. Bottom line,
perhaps as we grow older and our worlds grow smaller,
we need to be reminded that there is still value in the
life we lead now as opposed to those grander times of
yesteryear. Thinking I might just eschew new year's
resolutions this time around, still . . . I long to live
rather than exist. Perhaps that's enough . . .
where to go from here
i find myself pondering
am i even me
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