04/30/18

What a glorious day! A morning
abed, a movie with Russel, books
to be read, cookies to be eaten,
all followed up by texturizing my
ceiling. I could well do with a
month of Sundays . . . certainly
'twould put me right as rain.

lists to be written
authorship is what I need
days reinvented

04/29/18

It's interesting, to use a very over-worked word,
to find out that I miss all of you, all of a sudden.
One of you is far, far away, and the other two,
relatively near, and yet, I find myself lonely for
you. What is it about friendship, in all of its glory,
that makes such a difference to one's soul?! My
heart goes out to those who really haven't known
or experienced true friendship. Know that I love
you and miss you. Happy Pink Moon!

love me some full moon
am i remembering mom
hate the color pink

04/28/18

What a beautiful day 'twas yesterday.
My friend Deanna came over and I
made four different dishes, all fresh
from the garden. Alas, not my garden,
but fresh nonetheless. Best of all, we
ate outdoors for the first time this year.
Spring has been a long time coming,
but it is ever so enjoyable . . . and I
intend to enjoy every last second of it.

so loving my spring
thought mother had forgotten
here she is all smiles

04/27/18

Color me Sleepless in Seattle! It's 3:30 a.m.
and I still haven't been able to fall asleep. I
give up! Perhaps 'tis excitement that keeps
me awake . . . Russel finished the walls of my
library today and will paint on the morrow. I
spent the day scraping down the floor and will
do more of the same in the morning. I can
truly picture what the library is going to look
like. It IS exciting, and WHY NOT?! I've waited
a long time for this. I don't know if I can stand
all this positivity . . . finally Spring, longer days,
warmer weather, projects getting finished and
being truly moved in drawing near! I think I'll
buy a lotto ticket!

dreams in fruition
life in exclamation marks
a long time coming

04/26/18

Full Pink Moon approaching. I always think
of mother as pink was her favorite color. In
fact, her entire house was done in pink. Wow!
I ask myself as pink is rounding down, how
I am progressing with my mother issues. Am
I still resentful? Have I forgiven her? Have I
forgiven myself? Can I begin to take the color
pink in stride? Is that even possible? I much
value that I can honor my mother, thank her
for the gift of life, respect her work ethic, be
entirely wowed by the kind of mother she
was to my special, blind brother Sammy. I've
come to understand that it isn't required, nor
even necessary, for her to like me or for me
to like her. Liking is such a subjective issue
and I need to get over it. She was a good
mother and role-modeled so many things
for me. Her work ethic made me the teacher
I am today. I am ready to let this issue go.

pink moon pink thoughts pink
thinking good things about pink
my mother in pink

04/25/18 - Friendship ahoy . . .

This thing . . . this thing called friendship . . .
is truly amazing! I have closeted myself for
so long that sometimes I actually forget the
concept entirely. I've been so lost, but little
by little, I believe the finding has begun.
Love is the great healer but me thinks 'tis
actually friendship love that does the trick.

feeling gratitude
gifts of healing acceptance
friendship at its best

04/24/18

I've heard a rumor that it's supposed
to rain and snow, otherwise known as
sleet, most of the day. Yesterday, I was
finally convinced that spring had sprung
but 'twas a false alarm. I'm really starting
to believe that winter hijacked spring! Is
there any hope of warmth in the near
future?

so long for some heat
even my soul is freezing
might be warm in hell

04/23/18

Actual Earth Day was pleasant
in that we took the day in bed
and read, watched movies and
napped. Sooooo NOT how I see
Earth Day as it's supposed to be.
It should have been bright and
sunny with lots of people enjoying
the fair and eating ice cream cones.
Sounds like an analogy of life, if
you ask me. One thing is expected
and yet another is dealt. I think I
need to get a clue, if you will. How
much real life have I lost because
it didn't pan out as expected. I'm
going to give this a think!

did you stay it bed
mama earth it's cold today
i want different

04/22/18 - Earthday

Yesterday, we were fortunate enough to enjoy

the beginnings of Earthday at our local annual

celebration of booths, plants, green info, etc.

'Tis indeed wondrous when a community has

come together for 27 years to celebrate our

Mother. Midst several inches of snow, the

townspeople gathered to honor her. I would

have though staying home the best option,

but here they were, in force, snow or no snow,

to honor the Mother. Happy Earthday to us all!

do you still love us

mother earth mama nature

i am calling you

04/21/18

Yesterday was a gift of the gods. In Paganism,
it was the marriage day of the God and Goddess.
In Mother Nature, it was the GREEN MOON,
lasting 90 minutes and only happens every 420
years. In my personal life, it was a day of
friendship of such magnitude that I was reminded
I am beyond fortunate. What a day!

different kinds of highs
weddings green moons and friendship
a gift from the gods

04/20/18

We spent the evening in front of the fireplace
last night. I was reminded once again of two
of life's greatest gifts . . . friendship and fire.
Wow! The chat was long; food and drink in
short supply. But in due time, the meaning of
life was revealed. Friendship and fire! Both
providing beauty and warmth. Both necessary
to our very existence. Both in rare form. I am
filled with awe. We've known each other for
just under a quarter of a century, a gift of the
gods by which to warm the cockles of the soul.

speaking of friendship
heaven sent and heaven spent
a gift of the gods

04/19/18

Today is a day of anticipation. 'Tis the
perfect reinforcement to my positive
interlude. The first friend I made in US
is coming to spend the afternoon. I am
ever so pleased. This evening, the best
of the bestest is spending the night. My
heart swells with joy. Somehow, I need
to find a way to create moments such as
these in the interest of both survival and joy!

anticipation
taking the moment in stride
interlude to joy

04/18/18

I awake each morning, albeit it 3:30, 6:30 or
somewhere in between, and simply vomit forth
whatever I find lurking there. Perhaps, I should
take some time, think things through, before I
put pen to paper, as it were. I do recognize that
what I do is some kind of birthing from the
subconscious. I have used this purposely and
hopefully in order to garner someinsights
into my soul.

alas early spring
winds of change and destruction
fires everywhere

04/17/18

The mind is a mysterious and eerie place.
Mine is not necessarily one in which I'd
wish to be caught. On the other hand,
sometimes it's interesting to hang out. I
wonder about so many things. What makes
me tick? Why do I act and react the way I
do? Am I unduly moral or am I morally
bankrupt? Who do I want to when I grow
up? Who do I want to become before I die?
Good questions, but do I have any decent
answers?

so many questions
with universe as teacher
seems too disruptive

04/16/18

I awoke this morning with a longing
for Mexico such as I haven't experienced
in a long while. At my friend's request, I
recounted a story dear to my heart. I have
wondered often if perhaps I should not
have returned to my roots. I can remember
commenting, back in the day, that nowhere
on earth had I ever felt so at home. I must
have been one of those few born out of
place and time.

con tanto dolor
soñando con méxico
ya quiero volver

04/15/18

I need to rebirth myself. I'm wondering
about the requirements. Do I need a
special date? Witnesses? Ceremony and
ritual? State my intentions to the Universe?
How do I go about accomplishing this,
this act of renewal? If I take a page out of
Mama Nature's book, she really does this
every spring. Really, to some degree, each
season. Why then, wouldn't I be able to take
a lesson, get a clue, follow in her footsteps?!

rebirthing myself
in desperate need of change
hale new beginnings

04/14/18

For several nights I have been unable to sleep
at a decent hour. I distract myself as best I can
but the time comes when I am relentlessly faced
with the ghosts of the day, the specters of the past,
the phantoms of my own inertia. 'Tis as if Halloween
descends by night to rake over the dead of one's
own dreams, hopes and longings. I so wish I could
bury my dead, learn to let go, grow in spite of myself.

torn by my longings
yearning for what i am not
who has the answers

04/13/18 - Friday the 13th in Mercury Retrograde

It seems to happen every year, this
returning of the light . . . and yet,
every year I find my faith waning as
spring tarries on its way. This spring,
if I may be so bold as to judge, has
been particularly reluctant to show her
face. But light is lingering in the early
shadows, 'tis a tad warmer and I find
myself hopeful at last.

wish for no more tears
in light of recent sorrows
rest for the wicked

04/12/18

I came across a quotation this morning.
It made a great deal of sense to me and
made me wonder if it has something to
do with what I'm going through . . .

"She understood that the hardest times
in live to go through were when you
were transitioning from one version
of yourself to another."
~Sarah Addison Allen

Know this, I am trying to pay attention!

sitting in silence
concentrating in anguish
i am listening

04/11/18

I'm thinking, I'm thinking! It seems
every day my heart, mind and soul
are intent on teaching me something.
I'm listening and watching, making
every effort to grow, to understand
the message. Sometimes I get it and
others, I don't have a clue. I pray
my teachers be patient. I truly am
trying.

listening and learning
so trying to understand
what is the lesson

04/10/18

I simply took the day. I sat by the
fire, fasted, meditated and prayed,
or for what passes as prayer. The
day did me a world of good. When
I needed a break, I worked on my
herbs and oils but per se, a day by
the fire. It was good medicine.

seeking high wisdom
will honor any all sources
pray it be timely

04/09/18

Each and every day I struggle and I fight
to face and overcome my demons. I have
come to wonder, as the days lighten, if
the dark from which I suffer, is within
rather than without. It's a startling and
scary thought and will take some serious
pondering.

summoning courage
striving to conquer my fears
darker days ahead

04/08/18

I am so loving the return of the light.
Rather wish I could write an Ode to Light
or honor the sun in some way. I'm such a
moon gal and yet . . . Here Comes the Sun!
Perhaps 'tis a reminder that they are equal
and I need to revere them as such.

so loving the sun
i greet it at its return
pray stay a long time

04/07/18

Having pulled an all-nighter two nights
in a row, I feel a day of rest coming on.
I pray it be so . . .

life sheer exhaustion
tis no rest for the wicked
sleep later in death

04/06/18

A day of joy spent with Candy by the fire, wondrous chat and glorious
thoughts. Light outside and an amazing amount of birds to watch on
Russel's feeders. Eating decent Mexican food and drinking just the perfect
amount of red French . . . to say nothing of the most delectable dessert
ever! Feeling I may live after all . . . I have been forewarned . . . today
is to be a snow day. It is my intention to NOT return to the depths of
my own hell!!!

friendship visited
for those few i am thankful
a gift from the gods

04/05/18

Does today bode well? Any chance of
an infusion of positivity? Anything to
look forward to? I heard a rumor that
spring was here yet the news says
snow on the morrow. Can't take much
more of winter. Lord help me!

so longing for warmth
winter spring sparring antics
will sun never shine

04/04/18

I have heard we are to have a reprieve
of a couple of days before the next snow.
Will winter never, ever be over? Nonetheless,
I have been grateful for the last couple of
sunny days. Now I'm working to sunny up
my soul as well.

seeking strength and will
fighting to make it this round
pray dont ring the bell

04/03/18

Where do I go from here? Do I even
dare to hope with the return of the
light and longer days, that I might care
to return to life? I'm so tired of being
torn 'twixt and 'tween existing and dying,
doing and not doing, barely surviving
and finding that will to live. I pray I may
have a few months of clarity to find my
way.

exhaustion lifting
with the return of the sun
pray for survival

04/02/18

3:00 in the morning, magic hour that it is,
I haven't slept. It's been a week . . . a week
of sorrow, loss of hope, perhaps me taking
myself too seriously. No intension of being
enigmatic, simply private . . . but where do
I go from here? Frankly, a question I've
been asking myself for a long while. I have
to wonder if there is any connection between
my delving into the fantasies of death and
that which brings me sorrow. Tomorrow, I
have an appointment, hope to secure an
antidepressant and seek advice regarding
a new therapist as mine left Kaiser a few
months ago. I so long to return to sound
mental health and/or even a tad of decent
physical health.

seeking a new life
in the land of never been
is the ticket death

04/01/18

I've been thinking . . . about Spring,
Ostara, Easter, better weather and
new beginnings. I would so love to
welcome Spring into my soul . . .
light, warmth and longer days into
my life. There is something about
Spring that whispers the gift of hope.

longing for sunshine
in my life heart soul and mind
on a cloudy day