01/31/19

Women . . . must be the most fascinating
creatures under the moon! I see the strides
accomplished by women in my own lifespan;
I find myself humbled! Recognized equality
sought and found . . . honored as authors,
leaders, lawyers, teachers, professors,
politicians, mothers, wives and companions.
I not only find myself in awe, but inspired to
be worthy. Today marks special celebrations
honoring the woman, the goddess, for whom
my cabin was named. Albeit she is the reason,
never will I forget the other amazing women
who surround me and have made a difference
in my life. Goddess bless my daughters;
Linda,Katie and Sarah . . . may I ever be found 
worthy . . .

yesteryears lady
seeking you learning ever
pray show me the way

01/30/19

The dance of anger, to coin a phrase, must be
the most difficult ever asked of us. I've been
pondering the mad of late . . . how is it that we
get so tied up in that explosion of pure fury? I
know we all have the capacity to run the scale
from mildly irritated to ready to kill, ready or
not, here I come! Why is this? Does it have
something to do with how and where we were
raised? Is it perhaps, our DNA's joke on us? Is
it because grandpa tied on his mad from time
to time? Or, can it be that if you don't learn to
deal with anger appropriately at a young age,
you never get over it? Bottom line, I don't want
to go to my grave without having learned to
both understand, and to deal with my emotions,
especially anger. God help me; God help us all!!!

the boil coming on
so angry im seeing red
cloak me in healing

01/29/19

My mother passed three years ago today. She's
obviously been on my mind these past few days.
She was truly a phenomenal woman . . . on the
maternal front, she rocked the world of my brother
Sammy. She was very active in the PTAs of the
special schools he attended. She orchestrated
audio books for him to read each day. She made
attending Colorado School for the Deaf and blind
possible and took us to visit him once a month.
She even worked an evening job to help with the
expenses this involved. Esther, and I probably
should say, Queen Esther, was an executive
secretary so revered that five of her old bosses
actually few in for her retirement party. But, I
think what I wish to remember her for today is
that mom made the effort to accept me, and/or
deal with me, even though she didn't understand
me. I can't even imagine what it must have been
like for her to have both her husband and her
daughter as the eccentrics they turned out to be.
Me thinks I should be sending her posthumous
accolades heavenward today.

esther queen of queens
honoring strengths and sorrows
ever so grateful

01/28/19

What is it about a small group of older women
coming together in spiritual celebration that is
so powerful? I've witnessed it over and over,
yet it rather gets me each and every time. The
time of year is Imbolc and the celebration is for
Saint Brighid. Maybe you have to be Catholic,
Irish or Pagan to know our Lady Brighid, but
she is indeed much loved and honored throughout
the entire world. Imbolc is a heartening time,
indicating that Spring is only six weeks away. For
those of you looking out your windows at this
ghastly hour of the morning, you'll see it's snowing
and heavily. Knowing Spring is around the corner,
as it were, rather keeps those of us with Winter
issues going! So, Groundhog's day on February 2nd,
if you prefer, is a time of fires. If you're anything
like us, any excuse to have a fire is a good one. And,
you simply do not go to bed while the fire is still
burning! Sit, watch and wait! Imbolc, Saint Brighid,
Groundhog's day . . . Spring is coming . . . drink
your milk, 'tis the season after all!

beloved brighid
so missing you my lady
prithee bring spring soon

01/27/19

Love me some weekend time! Sleeping in . . .
well, at least until 4:30 or 5:00. Making special
dishes, having some dark beer or red wine,
depending on said dishes, sitting by the fire,
and best of all, NOT having to go back to work
on Monday. Retirement R O C K S !

want some mex chili
boiling hot hotter hottest
improves your spanish

01/26/19 - an adios of sorts

where to go from here . . . a year in the move
from the mountains to a 120 year old cabin . . .
my affairs almost settled . . . the choice to leave
illness behind and embrace life once more . . .
a fall to remind me of my own vulnerability . . .
Circle the wagons, woman . . . you've got this!!!

question eternal
take courage you may need it
man up youve go this

01/25/19

You want to try really waking up . . . try falling down
the stairs at 4:30 in the morning. Every bone in my
body aches, bones I didn't even know I had! I've been
rather waiting for this moment for the year we've
lived here . . . sooooo, I always go down the stairs very
carefully, never forgetting I'm 69 years old. Obviously,
it was bound to happen and I do know I'm damn lucky.
I got away with just some horrible bruises as well as
a warning to be even more careful from now on. God,
I ache ALL   OVER!!!

see the warning signs
being ever so careful
am falling for you

01/24/19

I don't know if it's Winter or January or the dark,
damp and cold, but I have a serious case of the
doldrums. I feel as if I can barely face the day.
Obviously, this isn't the first time. I have been
dealing with SADS ever since I left Mexico 30
years ago There, I could count on sun and heat
year 'round . . . but here, we have proper seasons.
I have a series of tricks of the trade that I cater to.
But, as this Winter has been particularly benign,
I had hoped to escape this one. The cabin doesn't
offer hot baths, only warm showers. With 18 inches
of snow on the ground, no walks come to mind.
I'm opting for little or no sugar and make a point
of sitting by the fire all that I can. I've even curtailed
drinking pretty much. Alas, the power of positive
thinking isn't cutting it, but still, I need to THINK
up a way to get out of this state and beyond it. If
I can just make it six more weeks, I'll be okay.
I swear, I'm on the verge of damning the dark!

will winter please end
alas tis ever so dark
pray turn on the light

01/23/19

I've about decided that I'm an am/pm gal. I
begin the day with my New Year's resolutions
firmly in tact and treat myself to a breakfast
of plain yogurt, granola, craisins and chopped
nuts. Sometimes I'll accompany that with oj.
Long about lunch time, my good intentions
start to fail, but not entirely. Stir-fry sounds
good, emphasis on the word fry. Or maybe it's
the toast with extra butter that I like to have
with my meal. I quell my inner voice by saying
I'm up and about and spending calories. But,
by late afternoon, I seem to want a proper
supper. Let's underline main dish . . . and not
to forget, there's a reason the salad is called
tossed! Oh, and I bet we've all known since
childhood that a good dinner must be followed
by a most excellent dessert, or not excellent,
if your kitchen doesn't happen to excel in the
word. And then, it's off to bed with a guilty
conscience and plenty of ruminations about
how I'm going to do better tomorrow. Having
trouble sleeping? A snack or a nightcap might
just be the ticket!

im feeling snacky
cant quite figure what ill have
calories ahoy

01/22/19

We had a most wondrous MLK day; he has always
been a hero of mine. We started out the day in
early morn, looking at some of his phenomenal
quotes. My man picked up a couple of items of
interest on the news that he shared with me. Then,
we literally spent a very quiet day in front of the
fire . . . candles lit, music playing, watching the
plethora of birds gorging at the various feeders.
Mid afternoon, four mule deer came to eat and play.
They scared off the birds, but it was fun to watch
the three females and an almost grown fawn. They
stayed for over an hour as they tend to like the corn
the birds dust out from the feeders. They took their
leave at dusk; we assumed to take cover under the
pine trees as it was snowing pretty hard. I happened
to go downstairs around 4:00 this morning and there
they were, back playing in the snow. I salute my hero,
Martin Luther King, and praise the gods for the day
most glorious we spent in his honor.

fighting for our rights
hope the gift of our heroes
bless their souls always

The time is always right to do what is right.
~Martin Luther King Jr.

01/21/19

Loony Tunes . . . so, where do we go from here?
We have a night and early morn of magical wonder,
the significance of which is probably unique to
different folk. The Esoteric crowd, the Pagan
community, the Christian domain, the scientists,
to name a few. This phenomenal event even means
several unexpected things to me as I meditate. I
somehow feel I can now properly let go of 2018
and all the happenings therein. As the moon
rises, now free of its bloody hue, I feel open to new
beginnings and hopeful that I will be willing and able
to rise to the occasion. In the end though, I am hit
anew with the wonder of the Universe, its majesty,
its cycles, as well as those we still know nothing about.
How I pray I have the strength and determination to
accept the gift of this new year and become at last
all that I can be.

wonder of wonders
secrets of the universe
peeking in tonight

01/20/19

The nation was stunned today by the viral footage
of teenagers from an all-male Catholic prep school
harassing an elderly Native American veteran,
Nathan Phillips, screaming, "Build that wall" and
other racist trash at him while they proudly showed
off their MAGA hats.  Washington Press

Sans paroles seems to be the street where I live! My
heart breaks all over again . . . Will we never grow?
Will we ever deserve Mother Earth? I so fear for us
as a people, as a nation! What are we teaching our
children? May the gods forgive us . . .

oh where is the love
no acceptance no peace none
no tomorrows none

01/19/19

The sounds of sorrow blared into our sleep early
this morning. The pulsing chords struck over and
over, sounding out the missive of missing children.
Thank the gods this doesn't happen often, but when
it does, tears fall and inadvertent prayers touch our
lips. It's hard to understand, make that impossible
to understand, how someone could rip a child of any
age, away from the comfort and safety of parents,
hearth and home. The amber alert occurred three
different times at programmed intervals which to
me indicated special urgency. If such cacophony
rendered me sleepless, I can only imagine what it
did to the parents; they may never sleep well again.
I pray this night of horror and sorrow somehow ends
in a successful returning . . .

a sign or sorrow
prayers for our frightened children
when will they return

01/18/19 - to Mary Oliver

I fell in love with Mary Oliver just as I entered that
wondrous world of teens. I simply adored her then,
as I do now. She awakened in me a love of language
and I believe this to be so because she spoke in words,
thoughts and sentiments that I could easily understand,
innocent abroad that I was.  I was fortunate enough
to be born into a home and family that loved and was
devoted to Mother Nature. Frankly, Mary Oliver fit right
in. She went with us on weekend picnics up Glade Park
and Grand Mesa way. She accompanied us 'round the
campfire as we extolled the virtues of Mama and Mary.
I felt myself somewhat superior to the other girls as I
was a lover of poetry they hadn't quite discovered yet.
Yes, Mary was a gateway into a world of words I may
not have discovered otherwise. To what deity do I give
thanks for her presence in my life? To what Gods will
I beg and intrust her beautiful soul. Alas, I fear Mother
has lost her greatest advocate, lover and defender. I
pray Mary Oliver rests easy in her arms.

tears silently fall
mother nature ever weeps
remember mary

"When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a
bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom
taking the world into my arms." ~Mary Oliver

01/17/19

SUPER BLOOD WOLF MOON LUNAR ECLIPSE
'tis on its way and I'm as excited as a little kid seeing
his first falling stars. Alas, I fear that I'll have to enjoy
the show in my heart as the cabin is situated just
below the mountain; we can't even see full moons
until about 4:00 in the morning. Acknowledging
that this is a scientifically proven event, obviously
those of us romantics can see the esoteric side of
the equation. There are many Pagans and authors
voraciously studying the signs and meanings of this
amazing upcoming event. So, what does this mean
to me? I honor the scientific; I love the esoteric,
but for me, it's all about the joy of an amazing
celestial event that's happening in my lifetime and
I get to witness it. Talk about God coming down to
earth and kissing your cheek . . . this must be it.
So, be on the lookout Sunday, January 20. The show
BEGINS: 9:41 - total/10:12 - max/10:43 total and
ENDS: 11:50 p.m. Bright blessings . . .

my heart skips a beat
awaiting lady luna
bright blessings for all

01/16/19

Per se, I've never dealt much with self-esteem issues.
It's not necessarily an accomplishment on my part,
probably more to do with the era I grew up in. My
generation was more into survival, managing to stay
alive and marching for things we deemed truth. Sense
of self was wayyyyyyy down on the list. However, as
this past year was quite an up-hill grind for me, I find
the need to remind myself of who I am. It's a hard
call; make no mistake. Am I who I was? Or am I who
I seem to be now? Does the future me count at all?
Am I that teacher of 43 years? Mother of two of the
most amazing creatures in kingdom come? Lover?
Wife? Companion? See, as one grows older, the lines
become blurrier! Me thinks I need a good dose of NOW!
Right this minute, I'm 69 and alive. At this moment,
I live in a tiny 120 year old cabin we rehab a tad each
day. Right now, I study Pantheism several hours a day.
Get a couple of drinks down me and I might even admit
to getting a kick out of social media. But, none of this
seems particularly laudable; self-pride is important!
I do much enjoy the classes I teach. I much value that
I'm still a vast reader. I do honor the way I love . . .
wholeheartedly, unreservedly in every way. Don't even
get me started on how I love my children. Bottom line,
perhaps as we grow older and our worlds grow smaller,
we need to be reminded that there is still value in the
life we lead now as opposed to those grander times of
yesteryear. Thinking I might just eschew new year's
resolutions this time around, still . . . I long to live
rather than exist. Perhaps that's enough . . .

where to go from here
i find myself pondering
am i even me

01/15/19

I know I've talked about books and the
sheer joy of reading from time to time,
but then Maria Kondo came out with,
"Ideally, keep less than 30 books."
Normally, I would think it a meme, but
Maria Kondo does address space issues
after all. I've been accused of loving my
books more than people . . . well, that
might be true in some cases, but not
most. I've carried mine from Colorado to
Nebraska, to Mexico, to Colorado again.
 . . . and I'm the one that old adage was
written for, "A fool is he who loaneth a
book; more of a fool is he who giveth it
back!" This might just be the time to
confess, yes, I do have over 6,000 books
and a library all my own . . . but that's
nothing; I used to have 8,000 plus, but
I'm paring down! Hey, anyone want to
loan me a book?

the joys of reading
no library large enough
a gift of the gods

01/14/19

At 3:00 this morning, we heard a bit of a
ruckus outside. We quickly glanced at the
monitor and saw a fox running down our
stone walk. We couldn't tear our eyes away.
He actually circled the cabin, making two
visible passes. I grew up loving the solitary
fox because of The Little Prince. Frankly,
I could barely contain my tears I was so
moved. It's amazing, funny, strange, just
how much our childhood memories affect
our adult psyches. I had my grandson on
my mind as my calendar reminds me, he
deploys today. Both my boys are military,
one army, one marine . . . so I suppose I
felt the fox to be something of a sign. I
have to laugh at myself; I've always been
one for signs and wonders, go figure! Truly
though, one of the things I love about living
in this tiny, archaic cabin, is the daily viewing
of wildlife. It might be a bit rich on my part,
but I see it as love notes from the Universe.

bright blessings to you
so missing you already
fare thee well dear heart

01/13/19

It's not that I'm feeling sorry for myself exactly,
it's only that I'm thinking about things . . . A year
and a half ago, my docs suspended my driving
privileges due to heart health issues, or lack there
of, if you prefer. Said mandate has vastly affected
my life and/or life style, if you will. I can't meet a
friend at a coffee shop. I'm not allowed to drive
myself to a girls night out. I won't find myself in
a local shopping mall looking for x-mas pressies.
I've simply had to adjust if I wished to have any
kind of life at all. My man has been phenomenal,
taking me places, honoring my whims . . . but,
still . . . sooooo, so on over, bring a bottle of wine
if you like, I'll cook and we can chat by the fire . . .

thinking about things
missing me missing the life
a sorrow within

01/12/19

Last night was pure MAGICK! We sat together
in rare silence before the cackling fire. Moonlight
gently shown in the window, reflecting off newly
laid snow. Smoke wafted from incense, sharing
its sweet scent, candles flickering, conjuring an
enchantment all their own. I found myself wooed
by the scene, silently wishing for a never ending.
Me thinks there was a secret yearning for a
happily ever after . . .

awake or dreaming
pray take me to fairyland
my soul crying out

01/11/19

I've been thinking . . . always a dangerous
proposition at the best of times! Just trying
to think positive thoughts about getting
Half-hymers . . . so far, it's NOT WORKING!
In reality, I don't know if all this forgetting
has anything to do with age or not . . . prob
has more to do with not paying attention
than turning 69 . . . or so I keep telling myself.
I go to town and forget my purse; go to the
mailbox, left the letters on the counter; write
a check, didn't put it in the envelope before
I sealed it . . . but don't for a moment think I
forget that I messed up or was rude or didn't
follow through on a promise. Anything that
has to do with my own failings is loud and
clear, and never, ever forgotten. Still, if all the
current day slogans are to be believed, there's
still hope for change and growth. Here's a toast
to positive thinking, and as the wise man once
said . . . Oh my God, actually, I can't remember
what the wise man said! I'd write it down if I
could think where I left my notebook . . .

thinking positive
forgetting the best of times
still remember you

01/10/19

Someone boasted the other day, "I think I'll
start my New Year's resolutions in February
rather than in January." I found the statement
amusing, as I imagine it was intended to be.
However, it started me thinking . . . and here
we are at January 10 and I don't think I've
had much follow through on my ideas and
plans thus far. I looked up some thoughts by
a popular author on the internet. She seemed
to think the February start was a good idea
because one would be properly rested from
all the holidays. I'll take it a bit further, from
about Thanksgiving through the New Year is
a block of time . . . planning, executing plans,
seeing family and friends, amazing eats and
drinks, parties galore . . . of course it's a set up
for a January failure . . . at least, that's what I'm
telling myself. Still, I do believe I'll give some
thinks to the whole idea for the rest of January
and begin anew in February. Wonder if I'll end
up doing a month by month restart?!@#$%^&*()_+

listening to steinbeck
best laid plans of mice and men
yeah me thinks im screwed

01/09/19 - To Alice . . .

I found myself making nice with the
doldrums yesterday. I was indeed,
d o w n !!! And, then she came. My
bestie traveled all the way to the
cabin, bringing light to my darkness,
joy to my sorrow. I truly don't think
like that. I remember our school
years, rather seemed to me that we
traveled in packs. I can ascertain
now that we were learning just how
to be friends; the do's and don'ts,
the price and the privilege. Obviously,
adult friendship has little in common
with that of those tiny girls on the
playgrounds of yesteryear. Still, 'twas
where we learned the ropes. I salute
those who know how to be true buds.
I honor those who understand and
act on the gift of giving with no thought
to receiving. I bend the knee to my
friend, my sister, for gifting me what
I needed to soldier on. Bless her!

will pain never cease
finding my heart in sorrow
bless the gods for you

01/08/19

Me thinks 'tis called ANTICIPATION . . .
After receiving word that my fave sister
in the whole wide world is coming in
from out of town, I find myself all a
dither; you'd think I was 15 instead of
night onto 70. Go figure! I suppose my
first thoughts run along the lines of,
"OH MY GOD, the cabin isn't ready! Do
I have the right foods? Is there enough
to drink? The bathroom needs a serious
clean!" And then, the song changes . . .
"Oh, I have to remember to tell her
about that! She hasn't seen this," and
"Oh how I'm going to miss her after she's
gone!" I guess, bottom line is . . . there's
nothing, absolutely nothing, as important
as family. Talk about fortunate . . .

anticipation
dancing to my own music
don't think i can wait

01/07/19

Today is that day . . . that day where each
of us takes the road we have chosen or the
path the universe has meant for us. Some
will be returning to school . . . with mixed
feelings, I imagine. Others face the usual
Monday morning blues as they return to
work after a fun weekend of rest and play.
I imagine we retirees face that silly choice
of whether to stay a bed a tad longer or to
get the hell up and start embracing one of
those projects on our ad nauseam list. But,
for some, the day represents that first step
on a path never previously taken. For these
souls, I wish you courage for that first step.
I pray the actual reality far surpasses any
preconceived anticipation. I salute you for
your bravery; may we all learn from you.

the path lies ahead
with fear and trepidation
embracing my choice

01/06/19

He arrived only yesterday. Remembering
first steps, the hilarity he seemed to exude
with each accomplishment. 'Twas only a
bit ago he didn't want mom to choose his
clothes; had to do it himself. Then somehow,
school happened. Pictures each year, pure
icing on the cake! Long awaited summer
visits, turned summer jobs, losing me my
spot. Pretty girls, fun friends, shiny new
experiences, that first car . . . end of an era.
And, all of a sudden, he's being swallowed
whole . . . his country calling . . . he arrived
only yesterday . . .

adios my son
farewell so long see you soon
pray we see you soon

01/05/19

What a difference a day makes . . . to quote an
oldie but goodie . . . there I was, minding my
own business, drowning in my own tears and
viola! CLASS! So, is it a DAY that makes the
dif? Or, is it a CLASS that makes the difference?
I would have to admit that there is precious little
I love and enjoy more in this world than class,
more than school, more than teaching! I count
myself lucky that I still get to interact with my
students in my old age. One way or another,
I am on bended knee on this one. I was truly
at an all time low. So, where to go from here.
If the Universe grants a solution, perhaps it
might be an idea to embrace it, use it, enjoy it
 . . . over and over again. And clever lass that
I am, this I shall do . . . Pantheism 101, anyone?

naught in this old world
bests the sharing of knowledge
socrates and me

01/03/19

My heart hurts and I'm sooooo tired, tired of it all.
It's hard to remember when I feel this way, that
maybe on the morrow, I won't feel like this at all.
My father used to tell me that I was way too much
heart and not enough head. He would encourage
me to seek balance, but if I couldn't find balance,
I should tip the scales towards head, not heart.
I find it interesting that I'm not far from agreeing
with him at this point. Still, I also wonder just how
much one is actually in control of one's own choices,
one's own feelings. I understand there are those
who make a supreme effort to be positive and look
on the bright side all the time . . . regular Pollyannas,
if you will. There are others that live in a world of
dour. This might be more real but I bet it gets old.
So, where to go from here?! Me thinks we're back
on the TRY wagon and today, I'm going to try to
cheer up, try to fight back, try to have a good day
and try to do a bit of happy wherever I can . . .
wish me luck . . .

pity or party
giving balance a look see
somewhere in between

01/03/19 - To Jo . . .

I have been pondering friendship . . . it seems
to me that friendship is the light at the end of
a very dark tunnel, as it were. I have to be very
careful in the dark of winter as winter doldrums
are more like a summer vacation than the deep,
dark space I tend to languish in during the cold
months. I find myself in a myriad of sorrows,
doing my best to cope, and all of a sudden a dear
friend opens a window, a door, and the light comes
in. What a blessing! I wish there were some way
I could acknowledge, pay back, do in kind. It
comes to me that one can never return the favor
to the same person who offered a hand when
needed. Perhaps, 'tis a giant circle in which each
of us helps someone else, and on and on march
these acts of kindness. This must be the message:
any thoughtfulness we each put out in the universe
is a thank you note in kind to those who have
helped us when needed. I certainly have a great
deal of those thank you notes to write!

pray turn on the light
feeling so cold and frightened
sit with me a while

01/02/19

It's three degrees and falling . . . and I find
myself a tad nervous. Our hot water has been
frozen for two days, rather a contradiction in
terms if I ever say one! I find it interesting
that in my home, I never even thought about
these things, much less worried about them.
But, being in a 120 year old cabin, everything
changes. We've had to deal with burst pipes
as well. I give thanks that my man has such
a broad knowledge base and is a genius at
dealing with the catastrophes such antiquity
brings to bear. I find myself grinning as the
image of this 69 year old me (going on 120)
pops into my head. There are times I don't
feel so amused about aging but thinking about
the alternative puts things in perspective. So,
here's to a fab 2019, aging well . . . and . . .
oh my God, there must be a red about my age
out there waiting for me to take a sip!!!

a fine toast to you
we are aging anyway
bring out the old red

01/01/19 - New Year's Day

The long awaited for 2019 is here at last! There
is something magical about the new year, new
beginnings, the birth of new hopes and dreams.
And, of course, the operative word here is NEW.
I've always been one for that long list of the new
ten commandments, as I commented the other
day. This year, however, one of my besties has
suggested a new approach. One word, just one
word under which to sail gloriously through 2019.
The idea appeals . . . and I've spent some serious
thought time choosing just the right word. There
are a plethora of words that would work perfectly;
thoughtfulness, kindness, power, effort, willingness,
study, learn, amends, action, courage completion.
I like them all . . . all could work, serve the purpose.
But, this time, I'm going to go with the word TRY.
I want to TRY new things. I wish to TRY to be better.
I need to TRY and succeed with my endeavors. I
long to TRY to be a better person. I yearn to TRY,
TRY, TRY and TRY again. I can almost feel the hope
contained within the word. I sense the glory and
anticipation in trying for new heights and distances.
I am simply going to TRY every single day, all year
long . . . may I prevail . . .

a new year at last
new beginnings everywhere
long awaited for