07/31/18

July has been a month of losses, so many deaths,
both in family and friends. It rather brings about
thoughts of one's own mortality. But, not necessarily
in a bad way, for all the sadness. I find myself asking,
"How much time do I have left? Am I spending my
time in the right ways? If I knew today were my last
day, would I enjoy it differently?" I believe these
questions not to be morbid at all, but rather, thought
provoking. Death isn't something I want constantly
on my mind, but I do wish to embrace the latter part.
"How shall I spend TODAY to make it matter? What
can I do TODAY for others? What shall I do TODAY
that would be special for me? I'm thinking. I'm thinking!

i want to live life
in a world of existing
truly living life

07/30/18

Peaches and cream with Mercury Retrograde
in one single day is a bit much, but alas, 'tis
the street where I live. We were driving home
when we saw the PALISADE PEACHES sign.
Obviously, it was a no contest and only a few
hours later, peaches and cream it was . . . I
insist Merc Ret was in attendance and I find
myself forgetful once again. I've invited two
groups of women to tea, one from the hood
and one from my high school. I know NOT
which group I invited on which day, and not
really even the day they were invited on.
Thank God, I've been able to suss one out,
but not the other. So, I guess it's, stay home,
clean house, table set, tea and scones at the
ready and hope for the best. I could swear I
wrote all this down somewhere but one would
have to remember where?! Me thinks the gods
intend to bring me to my knees before I pass.

fearfully i ask
must i be on bended knee
tis it a test gods

07/29/18

Celebrating Lughnasadh with the coven
in the afternoon was such a delight. I am
more and more impressed with these gals
as time goes by. It is indeed most wondrous
to watch women, especially elders, as they
live, learn, blossom and become. The thirst
for knowledge, joy in studying, self-confidence
are all a pleasure to see and experience. I wish
I had understood some of this when I was a
younger woman; aging wouldn't have been so
feared and loathed. And, since it is inevitable,
a complete waste of time and energy.

aging has its place
a delight not to be feared
honor the process

07/28/18

Late afternoon, a friend of mine and I
had a wonderful class, ritual and moon
celebration. Alas, as night drew down,
no moon was visible to us. In frustration,
I looked up the occasion on the web,
only to find out that the US proper would
not be granted a peek. But, now my gal
says they did get a golden glimpse. I
would have to admit to being more than
a tad disappointed.

of moons and things seen
the miracle of last night
one of the finest

07/27/18 – Full Buck Moon

I imagine we're all abuzz with the
excitement of getting through today
to enjoy our special moon tonight.
I have Val Morrison singing in my
head and wishes forming in my heart.

children all are we
as we await the magic
will it never come

07/26/18 - Mercury Retrograde

A friend reminds me that as of today, we are in
Mercury Retrograde. 'Tis rather wondrous to have
something on which to blame these rogue feelings
of late. Heaven forbid I should take responsibility
for my own actions!

retro merc today
i needed you where were you
tis me messing up

07/25/18

Yesterday, I treated myself to coffee, so of course spent
a sleepless night. Seems one must always pay the piper.
And obviously, sleepless nights are for solving the world's
problems or fixating on one's own. I don't know whether
to laugh or cry. Although I allotted myself no sleep, all
problems, real or imagined, are all still firmly in place.

through the sleepless hours
me thinks the buddhist way best
pray accept answers

07/24/18

Not exactly sure why, but I find myself dying on the vine here.
It may be because we had family reunions and Gypsies in July
and I'm just feeling the let down after it's all over. There's rather
an orgasmic high that goes along with summer, reunions, fams
and friends that can't be equaled any other time of year.

not understanding
the sorrow i feel within
tis me missing you

07/23/18

What a difference a day makes. I've said
it before and I'll say it again . . . I love a
good party from time to time. In the interim,
don't seem to need anything, no cravings, no
wantings, just being. And then, a do! And I
dive in with both feet . . . o.k. let's add in arms
and legs. I guess the question is, where do I go
from here? Do I need to stop entirely or simply
give myself permission to enjoy from time to
time? I'm thinking! I'm thinking!

warring in my soul
so enjoy life at the large
nonetheless too much

07/22/18

Wow! What a day! Thank God I went
to bed early last night. Even so, I found
myself not feeling so well. I thought I
paced myself pretty carefully at Russel's
birthday party, but evidently NOT. I have
to laugh at myself a bit . . . 68 years old
and still learning my lessons. God in heaven!

never on sunday
lyrics now say saturday
or so the song goes

07/21/18

As we near the end of July, the family congregates
to celebrate, and truly, there is much to celebrate.
It's so easy, in the daily mundanity of life, to forget
all that for which we have need to be grateful and
in which to rejoice. This particular era in which we
find ourselves, finds us all with family, homes, jobs.
I find myself loving the pause, the whole, stop for a
moment and breathe in these joys. Perhaps, one of
the bennies of getting older is exactly this, the actual
realization that our joys are as palpable as our sorrows.

overwhelmed in joy
letting go of my sorrows
a choice to be made

07/20/18 . . . Dedicated to Alice . . .

In this world of woe, I have come to
understand that friendship means
everything! Even with our closest
family members, if friendship isn't
present, it isn't enough. Caring, liking,
loving, aren't enough . . . the friendship
component is what really matters. It's
rather the measuring stick for all that
counts. It seems to me that we need to
make friends with all those peoples we
truly love. Friendship is where all the
adjectives come into play . . . loyalty,
stadfastedness, giving a flying fuck . . .
say it all. I so love my friends. I pray
I am worthy of them.

its you and me babe
its all about loving you
ever true to us

07/19/18

Still rather wondering who I'm going
to be when i grow up. I find myself
thoughtful and meditative of late, yet
the slightest things provoke me into
strong emotions. I become upset with
the thoughtlessness of people, knowing
full well that I am capable of being thus
myself. My anger at our current political
situation knows no bounds and yet I truly
respect all people's right to choice. I find
myself impatient with the religious right,
yet still believe in religious freedom. Isn't
this whole aging thing supposed to make
me more compassionate and understanding?
Is tolerance not supposed to grow and
increase rather than become so impatient?
Me thinks I have a long way to go before
crossing to the other side . . . sure hope
the gods put their heads together and let
me get mine in order before it's too late.

pondering i plan
my mind in a quandary
hurry up and think

07/18/18

What is it that I want in live? Or, should I say, from life?
I like to think that as we come closer to the other end of
our lives, we become more thoughtful about things that
matter the most. I pray I will be wise enough to seize
every moment of every day let for me . . . to learn, to grow
and to actually live rather than exist. I imagine all of us
in our elder years only wish we had started sooner!

to exist or live
it takes actual courage
must choose or be damned

07/17/18

This entire business of moving, as well as
engaging the AWAY TEAM (give away/
put away/throw away), absolutely has to be
a metaphor for our lives as we move into
our elder years. The lesson would serve us
well much earlier, but I think as we age, we
are finally able to look at things differently
and deal with them. I long for the courage
tto deal with those things in my own life
that need letting go as well. Much more
difficult, I believe!

am i ready now
giving up and letting go
clearing way for me

07/16/18

I have to smile at how much we all
look forward to a given time away
from home . . . all the planning,
expectations, hopes and excitement.
Then, as the specified time approaches
an end, the longing to go home comes
into play. That feeling, the feeling that
comes over our souls as we near hearth
and home . . . nothing like it!

may i go and play
had such a wonderful time
please lets go home now

07/15/18 – Meadow Lake departure

I think we're all ready to go back to our
respective realities. Perhaps, this is the
ideal after all. The expectation of arrival,
the amazing joy seen in everyone as they
re-connect and finally, the timely leaving.
Lessons to be learned.

when its time its time
a need to go home
leaving paradise

07/14/18 – Tarot Readings

Preparing myself mentally, fasting
throughout the day until late afternoon,
and sharing in the sorrows of my family.
Without a doubt, a recipe for pain and
anguish. Still, there were wondrous
moments along with the fear and tears.
I don't know whether to be grateful for
this gift given me or to curse the day
I was born.

reading the tarot
exhausted beyond the pale
fearing for my soul

07/13/18 – Friday the 13th

An amazing day at our new Meadow Lake
campsite. Family catching up, women
laughing, weeping, sharing, men telling
tales out of school, children enjoying life
with orgasmic glee, wonderful camp foods
and everyone drinking too much. Perhaps,
'tis the actual definition of joy. For me, the
best part was my own children arriving.

a day of sharing
unlike days before and aft
understanding joy

07/12/18 – Meadow Lake arrival

As my elder years close in around me,
I find myself blest with a comprehension
of some of life's mysteries that have
eluded me in the past. It has been said that
as the beauty of youth fades, an understanding
of all things comes about with age. Is this a
promise, perhaps that all shall be revealed
before the end? Or does one simply come to
a place of acceptance in the end?

not knowing plagues me
but does it really matter
am learning patience

07/11/18

Another dollar, another day. Dancing as fast as I can.
One down, two to go. Same song, second verse.

I had this thought . . . If life is full of cliches, perhaps
'twould be good to focus on the positive ones rather
than the negative. Me thinks 'tis human nature to
always look on the dark side. Seeing the good in life
is a lesson to be learned, something to practice. It's
important to me to seek and find the good, the positive.

its all about choice
am choosing the good in life
no matter the cost

07/10/18

I have so many questions. To whom do I beg the answers?
Indeed, why this? Why me? Do I have the courage to endure?
Am I going to make it? Will I be triumphant? What lessons
will I learn? Will I be a better person for all of this? How
long do I still have? Will I still be me when this is over?
God, help me; pray I acquit myself well!

paying for my sins
tis time to pay the piper
so long to be free

07/09/18

Contemplating the dark in which I find myself,
fear rises like gorge in my soul. It is ever so
difficult to must the necessary courage to
face it and yet, there are times when i simply
can't. I am faced with those age-old whys . . .
Why me? Why now? Why? Why? Why? And,
alas, the dark doesn't have many positive
responses. Like Don Quijote of yore, fighting
windmills to no avail. To whom do I demand
answers? Is my silent screaming ever heard?
Will I ever find peace of mind in this dark,
dank world? I am so exhausted, so tired.

striving for answers
shivering so in the dark
pray give me courage

07/08/18

It takes real courage to visit the past
sometimes. Even thinking about it is
stressful . . . and then, a walk down
memory lane. I recognize that it's
important to do so, to face the demons,
accept the resulting consequences and
pray for healing, one way or another.
I suppose part of the fear is owning up
to your own part in the happenings of
the past and pray, pray, pray that you
didn't fuck up as badly as you suspect
you did. Does forgiveness then follow?

am walking the path
praying for oblivion
cost of forgiveness

07/07/18

Striving to live in the present . . . but
yesterday was such a gift. I do buy into
the hype that we need to live in the moment.
Yet, I find myself reconsidering.
Obviously it's ludicrous to live in the past,
as well as the future, at the expense of the
present. However, I've come to believe
that all three matter and are important.
There is nothing wrong, nor lost, in the
appreciation of our yesterdays as long as
they don't keep us from living and enjoying
our todays. Thinking about and meditating
about the rights and wrongs of yesterday
can give us better tomorrows. I believe this
is worth pondering, yet I wish to make
the commitment to live in the moment
most of all.

living in the now
acknowledging all our days
the value of life

07/06/18

You'll find that I posted yesterday's haiku on FB.
I have very mixed feelings about it. My dear, dear
friend, Doug Abshire, with whom I taught about
23 years, wrote to me extensively yesterday and
shared his heart with me. He said that in the face
of illness and death, that I need to start posting
my own thoughts on FB rather than doing a cut
and paste of someone else's quote and/or writings.
I have mixed feelings about this as I've always
considered FB to be my little bit of blond and not
much to be proud of. Silly of me, but I actually
didn't get much sleep last night, pondering this
and what it would mean if I picked up his glove,
so to speak. Anyway, I've decided to try it for a
while and see what I see. Feel free to send your
thoughts or chastise me in any way as you three
are the only people in the world that read my blog.
To my knowledge, I don't have any followers.

finding my courage
born cowering and afraid
seeking everywhere

07/05/18

The morning of the day after . . . and I feel
as if I have been holding my breath. I haven't
been, obviously, but I didn't join in any 4th of
July celebrations yesterday nor last night. My
own little boycott. Does that make today a new
beginning? The start of renewed hope? Or maybe,
I should look at each day in my life from here on
out as exactly that?! Is it age that brings on such
realizations or is it simply that they can no longer
be ignored? So, where to go from here? Me thinks
the answer lies in the gift of waking each morning
to find that you're alive. Make a pact with life, in
exchange for the gift, to actually LIVE the day
rather than only just EXIST. I'm not even certain
that said living needs to be in a big way, however,
even the smallest moments of living need to be
important ones. Much to ponder . . .

i hereby pledge life
to live rather than exist
indeed takes courage

07/04/18 - Fourth of July

I've heard tell that today is the Fourth of July.
Alas, I don't feel it . . . not in my bones, not
in my soul. Things, or perhaps people, have
conspired to place this once great nation, in
the hands of those who would view it as a
commodity rather than a nation fought and
strived for. It's always been difficult for me
to accept the throes of labor and the birthing
of a nation on a land that wasn't ours. Those
who proclaimed to adopt, rape and pillage,
beat into submission this amazing land, did
so I imagine, with a great future in mind. I'm
not thinking that the end necessarily justified
the means. However, I do get it on some level.
This, this that is happening today, has no such
justification, real or imagined and I fear for
all our souls.

sorrow in my soul
for today does not exist
imagination

07/03/18

July is an interesting month; so many things
happen in July. Summer may begin in June
but, July is when you really start to feel the
heat, the warmth of summer. Then there's the
4th of July, family reunions, picnics and parties,
and not to forget, birthdays galore.

love me some july
summer in the best of times
glory in the heat

07/02/18

Today feels like a proper new beginning. I imagine
it has something to do with being basically a new
month as well as the fact that Monday always begins
a new work week. We are also making a new batch of
Chartreuse. So . . . NEW . . . it is! Now, if I can take
this whole new concept or idea and apply it to my life,
how can I make positive changes in the new? It's a
shame, really, that we traditionally wait for new 
beginnings in order to make changes. It seems we
need a new year or a new week or a new day in order
to focus on new changes. I would like to see in myself,
the ability to recognize that each and every moment
is a new beginning. I want to learn to live in the now
and the new every single day, every single moment
in time.

pondering the new
lets lose the new and act now
news overrated 

07/01/18 - Goodbye June; Hello July!

'Tis with great relief that I say goodbye to June
as I spent yesterday in the hospital with TIA
issues. It's interesting how easy it is to make
life all about health as one grows older. It's
important to remember that there are more
things in life than just health. I want to celebrate
family, love, friendship, mother nature, hearth
and home . . . pray I remember that it's not
all about health!

sorrow in my soul
remember other frontiers
hope and joy return