06/30/19

Early afternoon-ish yesterday, my guy
asked me to come out to the travel trailer
with him as he wanted to show me something.
This happens fairly often as the 'Lady Salem'
is a new addition and we're readying her for
travel. I opened the door to what he called, a
'surprise date.' There was a salad with dressing,
followed by a veggie-quiche. He served me a
glass of red and suggested I save room for dessert.
Wow! Still, I think the thing that moved me most,
he put on an old Yule Brenner Magnificent Seven
as our entertainment during his fun surprise. Who
says chivalry is dead?! I want me some of that!

most gallant of men
almost forgot forgive me
chivalrys not dead

06/29/19

Where do I go from here? As I
approach my elder years, I find
myself longing for personal growth
above all else. Yet, there is one's
present personhood to contend with.
Add in childhood, one's past, the
different personas we must adopt
for work, family, friends, and the
stiff upper lip for hard times . . .
I can't help but wonder if, "It is
what it is." or if we are actually
given the ability, the right, to
create ourselves as we see fit. This
is like a giant puzzle poured out onto
the table of life . . . and I'm still
trying to spot all the edge pieces.
I struggle between wanting to do it
myself and begging for others to
join in the fun . . . did I say fun?!

lost and wandering
who am i supposed to be
twixt fear and longing

06/28/19

I visited with my cousin last night. Her coming
was all about prepping an art exhibit. We helped
her, along with her son-in-law Len. She staged
an 1800's ladies' bath. There were stunning cloth
drapings of gold brocade, porcelain pots of fresh
flowers, thick Indian carpets, a myriad of flickering
candles everywhere . . . the actual bath, teaming
with steam, floating upwards as if from Aladdin's
lamp. Once completed, we were caught somewhere
'twixt exhaustion and amazement; we barely had time
to dress. As the visitors came, one woman in particular
caught my eye. She was nigh onto weeping she was
so taken with the scene. She kept saying, over and
over, "I want to be there, stay there, live there." I
knew exactly what she meant . . . sooooo missing
you, Cherri . . .

of visits and dreams
may i join you sweet sister
so wish to live there

06/27/19

Trembling in my boots . . . just 'twixt
and 'tween here and there, happy and
sad, scared shitless and a positive attitude.
Praying all be well, barely daring to hope,
pleading, demanding, begging for positive
outcomes . . . nigh onto ancient and still
learning my lessons . . . humbling . . .
humbling experience.

my heart hurts ever
pain and fear of losing you
living on my knees

06/26/19

Today is the day I face my fears,
shout my angst at the gods and
beg on bended knee for clemency.
Rather makes one realize, belief
in deity must be ingrained almost
to the point of no freedom of choice.
I would like to admit to a kind of
faith, if you will . . . but, me thinks
it's more along the lines of a need
so immense, so intense that reckless
abandon might be more like it. Poor
God, I feel so sorry for him; it feels
as if I'm grabbing him by the throat,
shaking him and whimpering, "Help,
help me, I sooooo need this miracle."

is it faith or need
a come to jesus moment
pray hear my prayers

06/25/19

Last night we had a bonfire in our back yard,
which once again, made patently clear the
pure magick of fire. I wasn't in the best place
when we went out there. There was some chat,
but per se, we simply stared into the fire. From
time to time, more wood was gathered, added;
sparks flying up and out. The darker it got, the
more I was able to sink my soul into the healing
flames. As the evening progressed, noise stilled
and night sounds became more vibrant. A rustling
in the grass, wind picking up a tad, the chirp of
cicadas . . . all as if conspiring to bring the gift
of peace to my troubled soul.

fire to still my soul
lady brighid come to me
peace and rest at last

06/24/19

I have found this 'summer' weather quite
disturbing. And yes, I do know the cliches
such as, "It's summer in your heart." etc.
Having said that, I was reminded yesterday
what summer is really all about. Friends get
together year 'round, but i find that we give
ourselves permission to meet up more in
summer than any other time. In the sharing
of food, conversation, memories and laughter,
it truly was summer in my heart and I actually
'got it'. It didn't matter that it wasn't nice
enough to eat outside. 'Twas the sharings that
made it summer and naught else!

summer pray begin
may mister sun come visit
missing him ere this

06/23/19

I've been pondering . . . why is it that I so enjoy
and collect fave quotations?! I've decided that it
must be because they are the Reader's Digest
condensed version of wisdom. We do live in a
quick and dirty world after all. Just think about it.
DRIVE THROUGH banking systems, post office,
car wash, meals, coffee, desserts . . . and if that
isn't quick and dirty, I don't know what is! Bottom
line, me thinks I've traded in my book-a-day habit
for drive through reading . . . rather breaks my
heart when I think about it! Got a new book in the
mail yesterday . . . I'm going to shut down this
computer and read for a while before I forget how!

need a slow down sign
tired of quick and dirty
putting my feet up

06/22/19

Two days into Summer and it's rained copiously
both days. Alas, 'tis dark and dreary . . . and I
too, feel a bit dark and dreary. I believe, in my
disappointment last evening, I said some unkind
words to someone I love. The older I get, the
more I promise myself not to make those mistakes,
but it still seems to happen once in a great while.
I confess, I've always had a perfectionistic bent,
which I know to be unhealthy. Nonetheless,
loving people and treating them well truly matters
to me. I also know it's easier to forgive others
than it is to forgive oneself . . . not sure what that
is, exactly.

ever loving you
a tad difficult at times
forgive and forget

06/20/19

As I've been ill these last two years,
and was bitching, moaning and groaning
the three and a half years before that
when my life wasn't my own, to say
nothing of how I suffer with SADS in the
winter . . . I've begun to worry that I've
allowed myself to become quite negative
. . . and that's not a place I want to live!
So, I'm pondering, how does one travel
back to the land of positivity? I imagine
it starts with the awakening visited upon
me with the arrival of Summer on the
morrow. But, obviously, that's not enough.
One must DO something about the issue
or it will remain! Perhaps, now that I'm
conscious of the problem, it will be more
present in my mind and I'll watch out for it.
'Tis a shame that making new habits is harder
than breaking the old ones . . . bears thinking
about.

lets bring back the smiles
lose the negativity
happy here i come

06/19/19

"Hi! How are you? How've you been? What are
you up to these days? What's up? Hey!" . . .
Inane phrases with which we greet each other.
I imagine there always needs to be some kind
of intro into Planet Conversation, but what I
love are those real conversations, deep, soul
searching, mind boggling, no holes barred talks.
I want to know what matters to you. I long to
see the most inner workings of your heart and
soul. Tell me about your pain. Help me understand
what makes you tick. What are you who you are?
Have you chosen yourself or was it visited upon
you to some degree by time and circumstance?
Let's talk . . . let's really talk! "What's up?" just
doesn't cut it!

say whats up darlin
lets just lose the platitudes
lets go deep inside

06/18/19

I've been thinking of the rain of late.
It abounds, doesn't it?! We had to run
into the cabin three times with reoccurring
bouts of rain during our do on Sunday. I
read an anonymous bit of wisdom this
morning, "The rain falls because the cloud
can no longer handle the weight. The tears
fall because the heart can no longer handle
the pain." Rather poignant, isn't it?! I can
remember as a child, my gran used to tell
me that the rain was the angels' tears
falling to earth. It comforted me somehow;
shame we have to grow up. Truly, I am
grateful for the rain; we much needed it . . .
and as I understand, we have a higher
volume of water than in the last several
years. Still, I find myself ready for
Summer's hot days; do come soon!

rain rain go away
come again another day
babe boys want to play

*This English language rhyme can be dated
to at least the 17th century with James Howell
in his collection of proverbs. Wikipedia

06/17/19

I was reminded, only yesterday, how
powerful and phenomenal the women
of today are. Absolutely amazing the
wisdom, thoughtfulness and kindness
that exists in those who choose growth.
This got me to thinking. No matter what
category one falls in . . . man, woman,
teen, child, one should fight to become,
to grow, to be. Not for a moment do I
believe women are the be all, end all of
the human race. I imagine my feelings
have something to do with being a teacher
for 40 plus years. Always and always,
there were phenomenal young men and
women in my classroom. And, it occurs
to me that this has to do with a choice
conscientiously made to be someone of
personal value. I pray I have the courage
to grow until my dying day . . .

amazing people
humanity as a gift
most inspiring