03/31/18

To simply exist or to truly live?
To saunter through life with a
smile or worry needlessly because
we all know that worry actually
fixes everything?! Worrying is doing
my part . . . where would the world
be if I didn't worry. It's obviously
important for me to carry my weight!

shakespeare had it wrong
to worry or not worry
that is the question

03/30/18

'Tis snowing for yet the third day.
It is so beautiful but I am rather
beyond the pale with winter. I'm
reminded of that old Bible verse
that says something along the
lines of, "Your sins shall be washed
as white as snow." I wish the gods
could wash my psyche white as
snow. Me thinks I need to be
washed, bleached, rinsed and hung
up on the line to dry or dry out!

ever so tired
pray this funk be soon over
much in need of rest

03/29/18

I pray the light returns soon. I truly
believe it helps me to cope. It's cold
and dark out there; are the boogie
me going to get me? I've been
working hard on positive self-talk
although it may not seem like it. I
keep remembering that spring and
light are just around the corner. The
miracle of light is one we all need in
our lives. Lady Hekate has helped me
endure the dark winter. Now 'tis time
for Lady Brighid to sally forth.

praying for light here
perhaps the storms caught me out
please brighid come home

03/28/18

Yesterday afternoon we took my self-chosen
godmother out to eat at our fave restaurant.
I decided ahead of time to only have two margs
and am well pleased to report that I stayed
within my chosen boundaries. Nonetheless, near
the end, I broke down and sobbing told her I
didn't feel I could go, that I was truly done.
Me thinks I may be the most imbalanced Libra
ever born. I want to live on the one hand and
die on the other. I want to get well on the one
and just finish the entire business on the other.
I want to succeed at life and I want to be done
with life. The gods must shake their heads in
despair . . . that is, if they bother with me at all.

where to go from here
tis out of options i am
dying in battle

03/27/18

Perhaps the gods are wise to give us
our greatest challenges as the days
grow lighter. I truly am only trying to
survive and not certain I'll make it
this time. I wish I could talk but don't
feel I can. I feel like I'm thinking in
circles and can find no answers other
than my own tail. Enigmatic, I know.

i pray to the gods
protect me whilst i cannot
gates of hell await

03/26/18

I am soooooo pulled and don't know what
to do about it. It's interesting how I appear
to be so open, yet when one of my own
goes in a direction that my principals find
unacceptable, all of my openness seems to
shutter down. At what point is one betraying
oneself, and the million dollar question, how
long can one keep the blinders on before
actually betraying everything believed in?
I'm dying here and don't know what to do
about it . . . perhaps 'tis the actual birth of
depression and anxiety?!

my sorrow filled soul
tis the birth of death itself
seek forever rest

03/25/18

Much to look forward to today
as my children are coming for
brunch. They traveled in from
parts unknown in order to parcel
out the weekend to each of the
parents. I know we're all well
pleased. I only wish I had the
cabin in a better place but 'tis
not to be. I had forgotten just
how much work this whole
moving thing actually turns
out to be. I  pray today will be
as wondrous as I'm hoping.

the love of children
even as god understands
far surpasses all

03/24/18

I really hope that I can grow before I die.
Grow and/or grow up! I find I'm quite
disappointed in myself. Disappointed in
the wallowing in sorrow, drinking too much,
and constantly talking about dying. Funny
how I can actually see the picture but feel
helpless to do anything about it.

ive slipped and fallen
feeling sorry for myself
get hell out of dodge

03/23/18

After three long days of working on taxes,
I have something to look forward to. My
beautiful children are coming to see me
at the cabin this weekend. I am so exited
I can hardly concentrate. I NEED to lay
eyes on them. I actually recognize this need
as a gift for the universe. We all know
families who are estranged and don't get
to see their loved ones. Perhaps, they would
rather not. Maybe it's better that way. But,
for me, it's healing just to even think about
it, a gift from the gods. May I endure!

seeing my childen
my heart leaps at love so shared
redefining joy

03/22/18

Working on taxes for two days and this morning
will make it three. One collects all the necessary
receipts and other various and sundry paperwork
all year long and finally the end of March arrives
and there is no putting it off any longer. Every
year I dislike it intensely and ever year I think,
"That wasn't as bad as I though!' . . . still, it took
three days out of my life. Necessary evil, I guess.

wish taxes over
a sunny day better spent
now lets celebrate

13/21/18 - Ostara

Yesterday, an old friend of mine
came in from Kremmling to have
lunch, catch up and eventually
spend the night. It was a most
wonderful rest from unpacking
and placing. It was good to catch
up but in said process, one is
always reminded of tons of things
that hadn't been thought of in years.
It was amazing! She'll be off after
breakfast and I'll go back  to the
infernal unpacking!

dredging up stories
old friendships much remembered
memories savored

03/20/18 - Ostara today, Ostara tomorrow . . .

Funny how Mother Nature thinks she
has a say in which day is celebrated,
due to lunar activity and all. Me thinks
this year, I get THREE celebrations,
Saturday with the coven and now
today and tomorrow. Goddess knows
I need some celebration in my life.
A girlfriend I haven't seen in years is
coming today. Little does she know
we shall be honoring Ostara and her
lady!

so longing for warmth
lady eostre pity
i beg spring of you

03/19/18

"Ah, but you have forgotton, Grasshopper...

Mother worries so you don't have to."
~Audrey Boag

I much value Audrey's comment.
The crux of the matter for me is
how to stop worrying. I wonder
sometimes, if my psyche feels
that worrying is my part of the
equation. Mother Nature does
all the work and I chip in with
worry. Perhaps worry matters to
us, makes us feel whole and viable.
Nothing very helpful in that, when
you think about it. Now, how to
learn a different way.

my soul aches for rest
tired at the breaking point
rest for the wicked