04/13/18 - Friday the 13th in Mercury Retrograde

It seems to happen every year, this
returning of the light . . . and yet,
every year I find my faith waning as
spring tarries on its way. This spring,
if I may be so bold as to judge, has
been particularly reluctant to show her
face. But light is lingering in the early
shadows, 'tis a tad warmer and I find
myself hopeful at last.

wish for no more tears
in light of recent sorrows
rest for the wicked

04/12/18

I came across a quotation this morning.
It made a great deal of sense to me and
made me wonder if it has something to
do with what I'm going through . . .

"She understood that the hardest times
in live to go through were when you
were transitioning from one version
of yourself to another."
~Sarah Addison Allen

Know this, I am trying to pay attention!

sitting in silence
concentrating in anguish
i am listening

04/11/18

I'm thinking, I'm thinking! It seems
every day my heart, mind and soul
are intent on teaching me something.
I'm listening and watching, making
every effort to grow, to understand
the message. Sometimes I get it and
others, I don't have a clue. I pray
my teachers be patient. I truly am
trying.

listening and learning
so trying to understand
what is the lesson

04/10/18

I simply took the day. I sat by the
fire, fasted, meditated and prayed,
or for what passes as prayer. The
day did me a world of good. When
I needed a break, I worked on my
herbs and oils but per se, a day by
the fire. It was good medicine.

seeking high wisdom
will honor any all sources
pray it be timely

04/09/18

Each and every day I struggle and I fight
to face and overcome my demons. I have
come to wonder, as the days lighten, if
the dark from which I suffer, is within
rather than without. It's a startling and
scary thought and will take some serious
pondering.

summoning courage
striving to conquer my fears
darker days ahead

04/08/18

I am so loving the return of the light.
Rather wish I could write an Ode to Light
or honor the sun in some way. I'm such a
moon gal and yet . . . Here Comes the Sun!
Perhaps 'tis a reminder that they are equal
and I need to revere them as such.

so loving the sun
i greet it at its return
pray stay a long time

04/07/18

Having pulled an all-nighter two nights
in a row, I feel a day of rest coming on.
I pray it be so . . .

life sheer exhaustion
tis no rest for the wicked
sleep later in death

04/06/18

A day of joy spent with Candy by the fire, wondrous chat and glorious
thoughts. Light outside and an amazing amount of birds to watch on
Russel's feeders. Eating decent Mexican food and drinking just the perfect
amount of red French . . . to say nothing of the most delectable dessert
ever! Feeling I may live after all . . . I have been forewarned . . . today
is to be a snow day. It is my intention to NOT return to the depths of
my own hell!!!

friendship visited
for those few i am thankful
a gift from the gods

04/05/18

Does today bode well? Any chance of
an infusion of positivity? Anything to
look forward to? I heard a rumor that
spring was here yet the news says
snow on the morrow. Can't take much
more of winter. Lord help me!

so longing for warmth
winter spring sparring antics
will sun never shine

04/04/18

I have heard we are to have a reprieve
of a couple of days before the next snow.
Will winter never, ever be over? Nonetheless,
I have been grateful for the last couple of
sunny days. Now I'm working to sunny up
my soul as well.

seeking strength and will
fighting to make it this round
pray dont ring the bell

04/03/18

Where do I go from here? Do I even
dare to hope with the return of the
light and longer days, that I might care
to return to life? I'm so tired of being
torn 'twixt and 'tween existing and dying,
doing and not doing, barely surviving
and finding that will to live. I pray I may
have a few months of clarity to find my
way.

exhaustion lifting
with the return of the sun
pray for survival

04/02/18

3:00 in the morning, magic hour that it is,
I haven't slept. It's been a week . . . a week
of sorrow, loss of hope, perhaps me taking
myself too seriously. No intension of being
enigmatic, simply private . . . but where do
I go from here? Frankly, a question I've
been asking myself for a long while. I have
to wonder if there is any connection between
my delving into the fantasies of death and
that which brings me sorrow. Tomorrow, I
have an appointment, hope to secure an
antidepressant and seek advice regarding
a new therapist as mine left Kaiser a few
months ago. I so long to return to sound
mental health and/or even a tad of decent
physical health.

seeking a new life
in the land of never been
is the ticket death

04/01/18

I've been thinking . . . about Spring,
Ostara, Easter, better weather and
new beginnings. I would so love to
welcome Spring into my soul . . .
light, warmth and longer days into
my life. There is something about
Spring that whispers the gift of hope.

longing for sunshine
in my life heart soul and mind
on a cloudy day